‘‘I can’t stand my mother’s macho new boyfriend
Our agony aunt, Mary Fenwick, offers a new perspective on whatever is troubling you
My parents split up eight years ago after my father had an affair. My mother was devastated and has been single ever since but now she has met someone new. When she told me, I was happy for her but then I met him, and I don’t like him at all. He is really controlling and domineering – the sort of person I just don’t like. Since then, he has virtually moved in with her and I’m upset about it. I am at university, which hasn’t always been easy, and home was my sanctuary. I haven’t told my mum how I feel, as I’m scared she’ll tell him and things will be awkward. What should I do? Name supplied
In the 1940s, psychologist Abraham Maslow described a hierarchy of needs, which is usually drawn as a pyramid with food at the base, then safety, then a sense of belonging. If those basic needs are not met, it’s hard to think about anything else. Since you’re at university, you’ll make more of your own decisions – what do I eat? Where are my people? – but you still want a secure place to retreat to from time to time.
I believe your mother will listen if you are fairly direct about this: ‘Could we have a chat? I still need you to be my mum so I can tell you things that don’t go any further.’
The first step will be to share a bit more understanding on both sides. It’s possible that when you see macho behaviour, your mum sees someone who is dependable, decisive and takes care of her after years of being a single parent.
If you have concerns about controlling behaviour, you could say gently, ‘I’m not sure how you feel about this but I’d never forgive myself if I kept quiet when something might be wrong.’
I talked to systemic psychotherapist Lorraine Davies-smith, who wondered about a few things: whether your mother might have waited until you left home before allowing herself to think about a new partner; if you were having a fantastic time at uni, perhaps you would be relieved that she was getting on with her own life; and would it have been difficult to accept someone else in your close dynamic, no matter how it happened? It’s possible that the new man is triggering some of the emotions you felt over the divorce, or about men in general.
Overall, it’s understandable that you feel unsure about a new person in your life when you weren’t on the interview panel. As much as you want her to be happy, she wants the same for you, so let her know how you feel.
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