Speak out against discrimination

Tackle prejudice with tips from Pragya Agarwal, author of ‘Sway: Unravelling Unconscious Bias’

When discrimination happens to us,

our first reaction is often to think that we’re overreacting or being oversensitive. It’s natural to worry that if we call the person out, we might be viewed as someone who can’t take a joke or that we’re making a fuss about nothing. So, what should we do?

ASK YOURSELF: IS SPEAKING UP WORTH IT?

We can’t fight all the battles in the world, so decide whether it matters enough to you.

IS IT SAFE FOR ME TO TACKLE THE PERSON RIGHT NOW?

It might not be, either physically or emotionally, and we have to protect ourselves. Will you be able to deal with the aftermath if you confront the person?

ADOPT A MEASURED APPROACH.

Launching with: ‘You’re a racist!’ is only going to make the other person defensive, and that shifts the attention onto them. Instead, keep the focus on you as the person who’s experienced the discrimination. For example: ‘Do you realise that your words or actions have an impact on me? They make me feel…’

FACE TO FACE, IF POSSIBLE.

Sitting down and having a chat with the person makes it easier to communicate where you’re coming from. It means you have to take on the emotional load and it shouldn’t be up to you but, sometimes, if you suspect the person hasn’t been exposed to any other narrative, it can be useful to have that talk.

BE AN ALLY. If you see someone being discriminated against and want to speak up on their behalf, it’s important that you don’t speak for the other person, for example: ‘Look what you made person X do, think and feel.’ By doing so, you are saying that the person doesn’t have a voice, so you must speak for them. Avoid falling into the trap of casting yourself in the role of saviour. Stick to the facts: ‘These are the kinds of words that have been shown to cause harm’ or ‘I felt offended when you said Y.’

‘Sway’ by Pragya Agarwal (Bloomsbury, £16.99)

change. ‘In therapy, examining a person’s fear of speaking up can expose interesting material in their psyche,’ says psychotherapist and author Julia Bueno.

What are you really scared of ?

‘Often, those worries are revealed to be irrational. For example, someone might say they are terrified of speaking up about a problem at work because then everyone will hate them and they will lose their job, then their house and end up homeless! My response is that such fears are ridiculous, but also not ridiculous.’

It can be helpful to track your fears back to their origins. Bring to mind past experiences where you did not feel able to speak up. ‘Maybe you grew up in a buttoned-up family, where everyone was silent,’ says Bueno. ‘Or maybe your family was one where, if you did speak up, all hell broke loose and you were frightened. It can feel revolutionary to make connections with the past and realise how many years those stories go back.’

My fears of speaking up are not connected to my family. We enjoyed total freedom to express our views and feelings. Listening to Bueno’s advice, I realised that my anxiety was rooted in a fear of being unpopular – a primal anxiety about being kicked out of the tribe. ‘None

Someone may fear speaking up at work because they will lose their job and be homeless… Such fears are ridiculous…

of us wants to be rejected from the group,’ says Bueno, ‘but I would also suggest that you ask yourself, in any situation where you’re visualising a worst-case scenario, has that ever happened to you when you have spoken up?’

For many of us, it is about learning an effective style of communication. ‘It can be difficult for those who haven’t grown up witnessing positive examples of assertive behaviour,’ says Bueno. ‘If you have no role models, you don’t realise that it’s possible to be assertive in a compassionate and calm way. It needn’t be about being aggressive or angry.’

To boldly go…

Have the tricky conversation at a time when you can tackle the person on their own in a quiet space, advises Bueno. Then, she says, when you are working out what to say: ‘Less is more. When we are in a sticky conversation, we feel that we need to embellish our piece and give loads of material to justify our position. It can be a great idea to role-play the conversation with a friend to explore the different directions things could go.’

There is another aspect to speaking up that fills me with dread – public speaking. Voice coach and author of Gravitas (Ebury, £12.99) Caroline Goyder, has also