Kind boundaries

Learning to set clear limits is essential for self-care, but saying no can feel uncomfortable and even brutal. Elizabeth Heathcote took a masterclass

After a long day, I’m settling down to some telly. I check my phone and there is an email from work – there is a problem. It doesn’t need resolving tonight but, now that I know about it, it’s on my mind, so I tell my partner that I’ll be a minute, and I email a reply. Twenty minutes later, he has wandered off and I’m wound up.

A friend asks if I can give her a lift with her shopping while her car is in the garage. My heart sinks – it will take an hour through evening traffic – but I say yes. By the time we get back, I’m frazzled.

Yes means no

Boundaries have always been an issue for me. As an introvert and HSP (highly sensitive person, or empath), I need space and quiet. I have learned to say no, but it isn’t always easy. I worry about upsetting people, and I hate conflict. I also get embarrassed about not being up for things, as though I am defective. Sometimes I say no too emphatically and quickly – I close off options, or am brusque. Other times, especially when I am tired or feel vulnerable, I say yes when I don’t want to, then regret it.

‘People struggle to find a healthy middle ground with boundaries,’ says therapist Abby Rawlinson, who has offered to give me a masterclass in boundaries. ‘Either they have none, people walk all over them and they end up resentful, or there is a brick wall with a clear message: stay away – there is no negotiation.’

She uses the analogy of a fence around a garden to explain what I should aim for: ‘It marks your land, for you and other people to see, but at a height where both sides can see each other and communicate. And there is a gate that you can control so people can come in or out. High enough to offer safety and security but also communication.’

A healthy boundary, she says, is kind and flexible but also firm and clear. With WFH, for example, it is important to set boundaries that separate the realms of work and home, and stick to them. With my evening email, a gracious response would have been, ‘Thanks for emailing. I don’t work after 6pm. I’ll pick this up with you tomorrow.’

When it comes to boundaries, the responsibility is yours – not your overbearing parent, annoying co-worker or unruly kid

Own it

Even better would have been not checking emails after 6pm, if that is my boundary. Nancy Levin, author of the brilliant Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free (Hay House, £12.99), is clear: our boundaries are our responsibility to put in place and police. When it comes to everyday limits [not violence], she writes, ‘there is no such thing as someone violating your boundaries. The responsibility is yours’

– not your overbearing parent, annoying co-worker,