My niece has an issue with eating but we can’t get her expert help right now

Q

My niece has developed a di cult relationship with food. It started three years ago and settled down for a while but now she is having problems again. She has stopped eating during the day. Her school is aware of the situation and my sister is trying to get her to a counsellor or psychologist but they are all fully booked. Do you know anyone who works with teenagers who have an eating problem, as well as their families?

I’m so sorry to hear this and, unfortunately, I’m sure your family is not alone. The main UK charity for anyone affected by an eating disorder, Beat, confirms that waiting lists for treatment grew during the pandemic. Even so, the first port of call needs to be making sure that your niece’s GP is in the loop.

However, we don’t want to jump to conclusions – many people have a form of ‘disordered eating’ without it becoming a diagnosable mental illness. Some would say that a strange relationship with food is almost normalised in Western culture, especially for women.

The positive aspects in this situation are: your niece has found techniques that helped previously; more information and support is now available online; and, most importantly, she has shown some willingness to talk about it.

Don’t assume that the only people who can help her must be professionals. If the emotional connection is there, you could be in a good position to support her. However, it’s a tricky balance. Allow her the choice of opening up to whomever she feels most comfortable with, while avoiding the impression that she’s being ambushed or her every move is being watched.

The key thing to remember is to focus on feelings, not behaviour, which could include making up rules about food, purging or exercising too much. It feels di cult to start the conversation, but people in recovery agree that breaking the silence is the right thing to do because eating disorders thrive on secrecy.

Choose a time when you are both calm, and it’s not just before or after a meal – perhaps on a walk, while experimenting with make-up or driving to the cinema. Try not to centre the conversation around food or weight, but say something along the lines of, ‘I wondered if you’d like to talk about how you’re feeling.’ Beat has more detailed suggestions in a downloadable guide for friends and family.

A useful acronym to consider is BLAST – for bored, lonely, angry, stressed or tired, all common triggers for eating. From the background given in your longer letter, it sounds as if there may be some anger at play. If this comes out towards you, try to see it as the illness speaking, not your niece. beateatingdisorders.org.uk