2 Keep boundaries in place

The tricky part is working out appropriate boundaries in your evolving relationship. It’s easy to slip into patterns of behaviour around ageing relatives that, though intended as loving gestures, can create awkwardness or even cause offence.

Illness or the death of a parent can accelerate a shift in dynamics. My interactions with my mum changed profoundly after my dad died. Keen to support her, I took decisions and made arrangements that under normal circumstances would have been my father’s domain.

And although my mother was too kind to point it out, I realised that I was overstepping an important boundary. Instead of knocking on her door as I have done since I left home 25 years ago, I began letting myself in using a spare key. My intention was to save her the inconvenience of answering the door while arranging a funeral, but I realised that my unannounced arrival may feel like an intrusion. At a point when everything around my mum must have felt unfamiliar, it was important to keep some of our usual boundaries firmly in place.