3 Think cared about, not cared for

In my effort to understand how to navigate the new landscape of my relationship with my widowed mother, I happened upon an article that outlined the difference between feeling ‘cared for’ and ‘cared about’ by those you love. The subtleties between the two scenarios were explained by a retired woman whose daughter had a habit of rifling through her fridge to discard out-of-date food.

But this well-intentioned habit had almost become a sport. The woman’s grandchildren delighted in examining the best-before dates on every item, shrieking with horror when they found something past its best. The daughter meant no harm; finding herself in the thick of the ‘sandwich generation’ years, she was spinning so many plates that she had neglected to go about the fridge-raiding process with the respect and compassion her mother deserved.

The woman explained that her daughter’s actions made her feel cared for, much like a paid carer might fulfil a clinical duty. But what she wanted was to feel cared about. She longed for her daughter to ask how she was feeling or how she had slept. Instead, those important moments of conversation were overridden by her daughter’s approach which, the woman said, left her feeling incapable and humiliated. Her fridge was cleared out, but her more pressing need – for connection – went unattended.

After reading that, I stopped using my key to let myself into my mother’s house. I no longer felt like I was stepping uninvited into my dad’s shoes, and less like I was clumsily stepping on my mum’s toes at a time when she needed to feel loved rather than looked after.