5 Resist the urge to rescue

Being dependable, reliable and consistent for ageing parents establishes ‘an environment of emotional stability’ – but it’s easy to inadvertently do something that the person would prefer to do themselves.

‘It’s important to avoid deciding what a parent or relative needs,’ Carbon cautions. ‘Instead, ask if they need help before taking action. It is important to validate loved ones and recognise the value in their wishes, reactions and emotions.’ This might mean choosing to relinquish the role of being ‘helpful’ to ensure your parents retain full autonomy. ‘They may not want to feel like they are being rescued.’

In a frantic desire to help my widowed mum, and probably distract myself from my own loss, I began attacking a patch of mildew in her bathroom – something my dad hadn’t got round to fixing. Eventually, I realised I was being like a bull in a china shop. The next day, I gave her the specialist cleaning stuff along with a bunch of flowers. It was a small change of approach, but hopefully one that felt less abrasive and, ultimately, much more loving than marching to the bathroom with my rubber gloves on.