Commitment

It’s good to have clarity about what you expect from a relationship, but sometimes high standards become unrealistic expectations. In a healthy relationship, differences are valued, and each partner grows by understanding the triggers for conflict between you. But that can be hard, and sometimes it’s easier to give up and look elsewhere for a ‘better fit’.

When small irritations spiral out of control, they can trigger an exhausting internal debate about whether or not the relationship is working. But sometimes, being hyper-aware of other people’s faults is a defence mechanism to avoid commitment. When we stop ourselves from feeling completely connected, we’re protecting ourselves against being hurt by rejection.

It might take your partner threatening to leave for you to feel certain about your feelings for them – which can be painful for both of you. If your partner’s ‘faults’ were there when you met, but didn’t put you off, your focus on them as the relationship progresses may be fuelled by commitment anxiety. Explore with compassionate curiosity what scares you about intimacy. Professional help from a therapist can help you gain the perspective you need.