HOW TO BE OF COMFORT

The cognitive neuroscientist Caroline Leaf recommends these steps to become a better co-regulator. This behaviour will allow you to be a calming, supportive influence and help others manage stress

1 Establish eye contact. This will help you show the person you are with them while they experience their emotions. This helps them feel seen and can be immediately calming. Dr Leaf says: ‘It’s important that the person doing the co-regulating establishes genuine calm, loving and compassionate eye contact.’

2 Create physical contact. The level of contact must be comfortable for the person trying to regulate how they feel. It could be as simple as sitting near the person.

3 Hear and validate their emotions. You may need to help the person by putting words to their experience. You can do this by naming what you observe, then offering calming decompression techniques (for example, breathing exercises or meditations) as needed. Create an environment where all feelings and emotions are allowed.

4 Model selfregulation. Co-regulation involves openly modelling how you self-regulate, demonstrating awareness and acceptance of how you feel, and engagement, to encourage the person to mimic your behaviour. Talking through how you manage your emotions is a good place to start.

Understanding co-regulation can not only help you be present and supportive to a loved one in distress, it is also a reminder that your own state of mind can often benefit from reaching out to another. When you get caught in a vicious cycle of thoughts, or feel upset beyond the point of being able to rationalise, the science says that turning to someone you trust can bring you back to a place of control. We are pack animals and our emotions can turn toxic without connection and the calming intervention of a trusted confidante.