Understanding difficult or tense emotions

Although labelling emotions is an important first step, it’s also essential to know what to do when your child’s emotions are defensive and cause them to push others away, or prompt them to behave in ways that are difficult or harsh. Perhaps your child gets tangled up in anxious thinking, so that it feels as if their emotions are constantly edgy and nervous. When your child’s emotions seem like this, your job is to go beyond simple labelling and help keep your child feeling safe and secure – whilst also guiding them to slow down and steady their emotions.

Often, this means setting boundaries around destructive behaviours, whilst also maintaining a sense of connection and kindness. For example, you could say, ‘You seem upset. I won’t let you tease your sister, but I do want you to come over and be with me’.

It’s also important that you focus on developing an acceptance mindset. Difficult, tense emotions can be hard to bear. Our instinct is to try to solve them or make them go away but, in doing so, the emotion can simply take hold or become defensive. Taking an acceptance mindset means that you aren’t trying to fix or solve the emotions your child is experiencing. Instead, you take an approach of openness and curiosity. You seek to understand and accept whatever feelings your child expresses, whether they be edgy, frustrated or defensive.

Your child might declare ‘I hate this house’ or ‘I’m not going to X’s tomorrow’. Rather than thinking of these statements as problems, welcome them as an opportunity to gain greater understanding, and to reflect. You might say, ‘You sound really fed up. Tell me why’. The simple act of being openly listened to allows your child’s emotions to settle. In turn, you can help them attend to the softer, more vulnerable emotions hidden behind those defensive, noisy behaviours.

An acceptance mindset might sound like:

● ‘I want to hear all about this….’

● ‘Can you help me understand…’

● ‘Your emotions make sense…’

● ‘I don’t want to rush in and fix things, or try to get you to change…’