How do I broach the topic of an STD with a new partner?

Q Six months ago, I was diagnosed with herpes. I’ve never had an STD and suddenly I have found myself stuck with one for life! I feel so ashamed of myself, like I am now broken. It didn’t help that my partner initially denied that he was the carrier, before finally admitting it, and we split up soon after. Now, I feel completely stuck. How am I ever going to tell a potential new partner I’m now a carrier? When would be the right time?

You’ve had the bad news – but I’m here to counter that with a whole lot of good. We are fortunate in the UK to have a fantastic campaigning charity called the Herpes Virus Association (HVA). It offers not only top-notch practical information but emotional support, too.

The stigma around genital herpes seems to be related to an ‘Ooh, yuck, what down there? ’ attitude, which thankfully we have moved on from with lots of other conditions. A lot of misleading stories surrounding herpes come from 30 years ago, when the first successful antiviral drug, aciclovir, was marketed. This impression is reinforced by American advertising of the treatment, plus the internet, but if your next partner is from outside the UK or USA, they might well wonder what all the fuss is about.

In terms of being stuck with herpes for life, the same applies to chicken pox or cold sores on your mouth, neither of which cause us to panic. In fact, being diagnosed makes you a safer partner, because you know what to look out for. Only around one in three people who carry herpes are aware of it. You can be alert to the small warning signs, such as tingles or a burning sensation, before a recurrence becomes obvious. We are all more aware of virus transmission now, but this particular one needs to be on your skin and touch directly onto other skin, usually with some sort of friction.

It’s your choice what to say to a new partner. It’s certainly not the first thing they need to know, but might come at a stage if and when you decide to stop using condoms. It’s worth bearing in mind that women are only about one fifth as likely to infect men as the other way round.

The helpline volunteers at HVA can help you to rehearse the conversation. This is not something you have to confess, but you might choose to say something if it will help you to feel more relaxed about being sexually intimate with a new partner. The best news of all is that learning more will help you to worry less; and cutting down on emotional stress can often mean fewer outbreaks.