Is it too late to get our friendship back on track?

Q

I have fallen out with an old friend, and I know that it’s at least partly my fault. She is a really positive and upbeat person, and it was always fun to spend time with her – although we never talked about anything deep. But the last time we spoke, I was getting divorced, and it felt as if our lives were on such different tracks that I said I didn’t think we could be friends anymore. She was really shocked. Now, I regret it, and wonder if she might forgive me, but I don’t know where to start making amends.

Before you start, it’s worthwhile knowing that you will be okay, even if your friend doesn’t respond positively.

I follow the work of Fred Luskin, the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects. He describes the root of many conflicts as ‘objecting to the way life is and trying to substitute the way you want it to be, then getting upset when your substitution doesn’t take’.

Perhaps you assumed your friend wouldn’t understand your feelings if she hadn’t experienced them herself. This might have been hurtful to her. Although that’s speculation on my part, I say it because the first step towards forgiveness, according to Luskin, is ‘to fully acknowledge the harm done, and to own the fact that you’ve lost something’.

The second step is to be truthful about your own feelings, which might be a mixture of disappointment, sadness, even some impatience or anger. Was there part of you sitting in judgment of your friend, and wishing she was different? Would that still be the case, even if you get past this episode?

The third step is to pick one or two trusted people who will support you, as you try to put this right. It doesn’t mean making a big public show; as Luskin says, ‘You don’t spill your guts to everybody, and you don’t spill your guts to nobody.’

You may find that things have changed for your friend, too, as we emerge from the past couple of years. Perhaps you could suggest that you start learning something new together, as a symbol of refreshing your friendship.

Things still might not work out the way you want them to, but the essence of forgiveness is being at peace with what is, even if that’s not what you’d choose.

greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/ what_is_forgiveness