How can we navigate being back under one roof ?
“Arguments are part of the way that people who are close to each other renegotiate boundaries”
Q
Two of my adult children have been hard-hit by the pandemic, and it looks as if they will both be back living at home with me for a while. I’m struggling not to feel fed up at just the thought of this. I know it’s a cliché about falling back into old patterns of behaviour, but these two are prone to having dramatic arguments and expecting me to sort them out. How can I reset all of our expectations so that I don’t feel so resentful?
It’s perhaps ironic in this context to say that you’re not alone – but, statistically, the pandemic hit young people particularly hard. One piece of research found that, in 2021, 56 per cent of 23-year-olds were living at home. Incidentally, another study found that this led to an increase in parental depression – so you are also right to pay attention to yourself.
I talked to integrative therapist Abbey Robb, who says you can be proud to have raised children who consider moving back, because it shows that the relationships are basically good. Having said that, it is a process of re-negotiation, because you’re now dealing with adults.
One way to start that conversation is to say, ‘Now that we have this bonus time of living together, how can we make it work for all of us? I know you’re adults, so it’s not just down to me.’ This acknowledges that your young people could have mixed feelings, too – for example, if they’ve been used to staying out all night on a whim, you might have to remind yourself that this has been happening without your knowledge. It might be wise to set some ground rules, for example, they each have their own key, they don’t wake everyone else up, and the dishes still need to be done before midday, regardless.
When it comes to conflict, Robb points out that ‘arguments are part of the way that people who are close to each other renegotiate boundaries. As long as it doesn’t escalate beyond a certain point, it’s healthy to have these discussions’. People who don’t care stop arguing, so withdrawal can be a bigger indicator of a relationship in trouble. Although, you should feel free to say, ‘I’ve given you all of these life skills; this is your drama, you sort it out’.
I’m writing this as a parent who has had an adult child at home for the past two years, so I know that while this might be simple, it’s not easy. Keep your eye on the big picture and trust that, as much as you want the best for your children, they also want the best for you.