How can I work through the bitterness I feel?

“The business of grief is not just dusting a few things off; it can be a deep excavation of meaning”

Q Following my father’s death, I’ve been left to clear out his house (my brother lives in Australia). It’s not just the physical clearing I’m struggling with, but the emotional toll of decision-making about photos, books and his personal diaries. I feel really angry with my father for leaving such a mess, but I can’t seem to convey to my brother just how hard it’s been. He seems to think I’m making an undue fuss, and I now feel angry with him too. It’s exhausting, and I don’t know how to help myself get over it all.

I did this for my dad, too, and can really empathise. In Sweden there’s a word for getting things straight, so your death is not a burden on others: döstädning, or death cleaning. The alternative is tough, as we’ve both found out.

Grief is messy by its very nature. I like the definition of ‘love with nowhere to go’, because it’s a reminder about how confusing it can feel, with relief, sadness and gratitude all in the mix.

On top of all this, your brother and you will have had different relationships with your father, and as a result of that, there’s a sense in which you are grieving different people. If your brother hasn’t been able to contribute practically, he might be thinking that there’s nothing he can do. But you’ve been doing emotional and practical tasks in parallel, which is exhausting.

Bereavement therapist Melissa Noyce says it’s understandable that we want these uncomfortable feelings to pass as quickly as possible, especially if we think the main job is being sad. She is most interested, though, in the anger, and asks how it would be if you allowed yourself to fully feel it.

These strong emotions are there to give us a clue that something really matters. What did anger mean to you when your father was alive? When you were a child? Could you allow yourself 15 minutes a day to write down some of these feelings, even if you throw the paper away?

Noyce has a special interest in feelings of abandonment, which often surface during grief. Perhaps you feel that both your dad and brother have left you when you needed them. Noyce says that not allowing yourself to feel the anger would be a form of self-abandonment.

The business of grief is not just dusting a few things off; it can be a deep excavation of meaning. Please find a way of getting support to honour your own feelings.