How can I safeguard my own emotional health?
Q My mother is suffering from depression and is now choosing not to speak to me. How can I heal from the pain of this?
Adult children whose parents struggle with mental health are often stuck in between the need to protect themselves and the desire to help someone they love. It can feel like you will be the one to lose out, no matter what you do. If you have managed to get your mother support for her mental health, then the next step is to accept that, for now, you will be taking a ‘break’ from your relationship. So, rather than focusing on her, it’s time to turn your attention to protecting your own mental health. Here are some ideas how:
Go to therapy. Seeking therapy with a caring and non-judgmental therapist can help you understand and empathise with your parent, while developing coping strategies and emotional support for what you have gone through and may still be experiencing now.
Practice meditation and mindfulness via guided practices
such as yoga. It is really common for adult children of parents who suffer with mental health issues to blame themselves, feel anger and sadness at their parents’ illness, and sometimes worry that they will also end up with poor mental health in the future. We know that bringing the mind to focus on our bodies in ways that are positive and gentle, and with the intention of finding rest and peace within ourselves, can be useful. This isn’t medicine, but a way of being with yourself that may feel strange at first, but can help build your confidence and self-esteem without the need to seek this from the relationship with your parent. Accept that your parent is
unwell. This does not mean you have to accept the way your mother treats you, if this is unkind or hurtful. It means you may have to learn to accept that you are not responsible for your parent’s actions or choices. Depression can make people say and do things they wouldn’t typically in healthy circumstances, and as hard as this is, you may have to sit with the discomfort of your mother’s choice and spend some time considering what boundaries you would like to set as and when she comes back into it.
Remember, your mother’s depression is not your fault. How you choose to move forward is a personal choice, and I have merely listed a few ideas to support you. This is difficult – there is no perfect way to handle it. Try to approach this situation from a place of compassion, understanding, and respect – for yourself as well as your mother. You are doing your best to manage a very challenging situation.