How can you find the Easter Bunny?

EGGS MARKS THE SPOT!

in an arson attack. Police are holding a candlelit Virgil.

Comedian OLAF FALAFEL

In my school days I used to bury my head in the sand. Eventually he expelled me.

@MRNICKHARVEY, via Twitter

The HMS Beagle was notoriously slow. That’s because it could only do doggy paddle.

Comedian, MOOSE ALLEN

I wish somebody would do something about my lack of initiative.

Seen on Twitter

I’m concerned by the news of Steps reforming. These things can really escalate. @ROBINFLAVELL, via Twitter

It was the funeral of the inventor of the dishwasher today. The coffin was lowered into the ground only

to be taken out by their partner and put back in properly.

Submitted via email

I used to get teased quite a lot at school because I bore a slight resemblance to a bowl of custard.

Luckily I had quite a thick skin.

Comedian, OLAF FALAFEL

There’s no known cure for head lice, but I’m sure that if we all put our heads together…

Comedian, PHIL PAGETT

I just read a press release from Heinz saying “We will never, ever make a Bolognese version of Alphabetti Spaghetti.” I thought, Blimey, they don’t mince their words.

Submitted via Twitter

Operator: Hello, Police.

Me: I need to speak to an officer please.

I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert! Operator: Just pudding you threw.

Me: Thank you.

PAUL EGGLESTON, via Twitter

My cleaner walked out the other day. I really miss her.

She’s left a vacuum. Seen on Twitter