When life gives you melons, YOU MIGHT BE DYSLEXIC!

this was just fields.

My therapist says that I have a tendency

to blame my problems on others. Which I’m pretty sure I get from my dad.

WILLIAM STONE, via Facebook

My uncle had a terrible accident and

fell into a smoothie maker.

It wasn’t long after he turned to drink. Comedian GARY DELANEY

Petrol pumps are so much faster than

they used to be. It used to take me two minutes to reach 50 quid but now I can do it in 30 seconds.

Well done garages! Seen online

I thought that I’d bought a bonsai tree, but

when I got it home I realised it was just a stick insect formation gymnastics team.

Comedian OLAF FALAFEL

Any idea what “idk” stands for?

I’ve asked lots of people but nobody seems to know! @LOVESHIVXX, via Twitter

New research into human longevity shows

that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here.

Comedian PAUL BASSETT DAVIES

Why not confuse future archaeologists by

burying your favourite pets in elaborate military uniforms? Seen on Twitter

Sure, Rose could have saved Jack at the end

of Titanic, but they would probably have drifted apart anyway. Comedian GARY DELANEY

Who decided to call the streaming service Disney+

and not Vault Disney? Seen on Twitter

I woke up this morning and my pillow case

was covered in sticky crumbs.

I shouldn’t have gone to bed with my hair in a bun. VIVIENNE CLORE, via Twitter

It was nice to see the Queen on TV last week.

I’d forgotten what she looked like as I don’t have money anymore. Seen on Twitter