Ask Philippa
Our agony aunt tackles your issues
I should be looking forward to Christmas, but I’m not. I am 40 and have a lovely husband and children, and we are financially secure. I’m grateful for all I have but my unhappy childhood still affects me. My father left when I was young, my mother was attentive only when a boyfriend wasn’t around, and my much older siblings were generally uninvolved with me.
This pattern has followed me through life: I struggle to make lasting connections and I am no one’s best friend. I don’t really understand why I am so forgettable and uninteresting as I try to be friendly to neighbours and other school mums, but they don’t make the effort back. My husband’s work takes him abroad a lot and I feel so lonely as I have no girlfriends to go on a Christmas night out with, or confide in. I can’t seem to gel with people and always feel the odd one out. I worry that I also put too much pressure on my husband to be my everything as I have no one else. I feel sad and hurt by the world and then feel guilty because I have so much. Am I a lost cause? Name and address withheld
First, no, you are not a lost cause. You are sad because you have been hurt. It sounds as though you felt abandoned by your father and it might be that your mother was preoccupied and unhappy and did not give you the attention you needed and deserved. There was nothing you could have done about this – it is not your fault.
This has left you, I’m guessing, feeling needy. You have a longing that you feel ought to be fulfilled by your husband and children (which shows that you can make lasting intimate relationships) but you need more and, as you say, you cannot expect your husband to fulfil your every relational need.
I think you may be expecting the rejection you experienced from your family of origin from other women – your potential friends – and the trouble with such expectations is that they affect the way you behave and therefore become self-fulfilling prophecies. But you can turn your expectations around to believing you will make friends.
Another block could be that you are hampered by shame. As children, when we feel we are not a source of joy for our parents, unconsciously we blame ourselves, and feel ashamed. Shame becomes a habit. Shame can make us feel unlovable and awkward and get in the way of new friendships.
To get out of this default setting of not meeting and making girlfriends, one way is to join a group, be it upholstery classes, political activism, a running club, a choir or whatever interests you. Be primarily interested not in the connections you’re making or not making, but in the activity. Go regularly to every meeting, and then you can connect to others via the activity. It’s hard not to.
When I joined a choir, I was the only new person. I make new friends easily, but it took even me a whole term before I was looking out for people and they were looking out for me. It did not bother me because I was more interested in learning how to sing in harmony than whether I was liked or not. It’s not about making an effort, it’s about being there and being yourself.
Give it time. Therapy may also help you: try searching Welldoing.org to find a therapist.
As self-help writer Susan Jeffers said: “I am good enough exactly as I am, and who I am is someone who is learning and growing every step of the way.” That’s your new mantra.