WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT LOVE
Don’t confuse lust with love. Know that desire is healthy. And never try to force a relationship. These are the valuable lessons singer Paloma Faith has learned along the way
Paloma Faith tells us what her experiences have taught her
When I was younger, I always confused desire with love. I had my first relationship aged 13, but we didn’t have sex. We dated until we were 16 and then split up.
That relationship typifies an unhealthy pattern I established when I was young and only recently broke. My mother educated me to associate sex with love – and I’m so thankful for that – but I took it too far. I thought that fancying someone meant you were in love and it had to end in marriage – which meant I often saw relationships as something they weren’t. I’d never sleep with a guy I wasn’t in a relationship with. In hindsight, I probably should have just slept with them. Getting sex out of my system might have meant I didn’t end up in longterm relationships with men who were so bloody useless!
It took me a long time to realise that it was okay for me, as a woman, to have desire. If I could go back and talk to my 18-year-old self, I’d definitely say, ‘don’t get confused between lust and love’. I’ve learned something from my relationships, but there are a couple I regret – one, when I was younger, was violent, and the other was with someone I thought was the love of my life, but he behaved in a way that showed he didn’t feel the same. I kept trying to force it and put myself in a vulnerable position, when I should have just said, ‘Okay, screw you, I’m off’.
I’ve dabbled in all types of men. Tall, dark and handsome, bad boys, you name it. When I was young, I went for good-looking boys who were aloof and didn’t like me as much as I liked them. I’d sometimes go for guys who were too shy and feeble and a bit too quiet, which didn’t end well either – I could manipulate those people or be cruel, which I hated as I’m not a cruel person. I once had a boyfriend who would do anything for me. And I used to really take the piss out of that. He didn’t live with me, but he would come over and I’d have him doing my ironing and washing. I’d go to dance school and used to say that when I got home I wanted him to have done my washing, ironing and cleaning. And he would. The more he did, the more I pushed it, and when I asked him why he was doing all this stuff for me, he’d say it was because he loved me. It was sweet, but didn’t make either of us feel great. Those relationships just don’t have the right balance. We’re still friends – but he doesn’t do my washing any more.
‘BECOMING A MOTHER HAS CHANGED THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT LOVE’
Craving acceptance from people I’d set my heart on meant that I jumped from one long-term relationship to another and felt invalidated if I wasn’t in one. I know it came from youthful insecurity, but it took me a long time to learn that you simply can’t force love.
Relationships made me feel worthy. I think those issues around love were grounded in my childhood – my parents split up when I was two. I was desperate for validation, and it’s something I still feel with my job.
I started therapy about six years ago and it changed my outlook on love. I told the therapist that I was there because I really wanted a family, but I couldn’t stay with anyone long enough to do that. I was a serial monogamist who, every two years, would jump into another relationship. A therapist helped me see that I had a co-dependency issue when it came to love. That meant I’d rather go out with the wrong person than wait for the right man to come along. In those days, in my mind, it was better to be with someone I didn’t like that much than be on my own. It sounds strange now, but back then I thought I could make myself love anyone. But you can’t.
I had a break from relationships when I was in my 20s and took a bit of time to enjoy my own company. It sparked a kind of evolution of my romantic choices. I met my partner [French-born artist Leyman Lahcine] after this, and I feel that taking time out from dating really made a difference to our relationship.
When I met Leyman, it was as close to love at first sight as I can allow my cynical self to believe. And I realised that when you meet the right person it’s so easy. It’s not a case of ‘I have to make this work,’ you actually want to because you have chosen to be with this person. Of course, you get to the point where you think ‘I hate you, I hate you’, but when you truly love someone, you don’t want to be with anyone else. I’ve written about it in a song, which says, ‘Let’s get old together, let’s get unhappy for ever, because there’s no one else that I would rather be unhappy with.’ And that’s how I feel. I would rather be pissed off with him than be pissed off with a new person. When you know they’re the right person, you just have to give it your all.
Leyman feels more like for ever than anyone else
I’ve ever been with. I’ve never met a man who is as empathetic as my partner in my entire life. Our relationship is based on respect, kindness and communication. You need to be with someone who receives what you say, who understands you and can really hear you. My partner can put himself in my shoes in any situation and I feel so lucky. He makes me want to be a better person.
I’ve met people who say their relationships work best when they’re apart and then come back together, but ours is the opposite. Our relationship benefits from us seeing one another, which is difficult because of my job – we sometimes go through periods of time where we don’t see each other for a while. It creates a disconnect and you stop having things to share every day, which I find so important. We have a baby together and that really changes things. After having a child, even though you’re physically present, you’re absent from your partner – especially at the beginning. It feels like you’re in a fog, and when you get out of that fog you have to rediscover each other again. After having our child, someone advised me that you have to make time for each other as soon as you can, and I agree with that. As soon as your baby is sleeping for a predictable period of time, then you have to force yourself to go on a date and act like a pair of teenagers. Even if you’re tired and you go out and come home early, at least you’ve done it. The first few times we kept talking about the baby, but then we made a conscious effort to try and talk about other things instead!
To me, kindness is an aphrodisiac, and when I see my partner’s kindness towards our child and his softness, I really fancy him – but then, obviously, when you have a child you have to schedule that sort of thing! I have some great memories of my father being funny and energetic when I was growing up, but I don’t have any memories of his kindness. That’s why I value these experiences now.
Becoming a mother has changed the way I feel about love. All the songs I used to eye roll about – mainly, cheesy love songs – I no longer do, because now I really understand what they mean. As you grow older, life provides you with enough aggravation without you needing to add to it, and I think that’s why relationships change as you age. It’s so liberating when you get to a place where you feel you just no longer need the drama.