‘SEX FALLS OFF THE AGENDA FOR ALL COUPLES’

Don’t ignore the elephant

Talking is a sure-fire way to get out of a sex drought. As Dr Gurney points out, ‘The best thing couples can do is let their partners know how they feel – for example, “I miss feeling close/the fun we have when we have sex.”’

Avoid blame, since it’ll take both of you to make things better. Try to talk when you’re both relaxed – post-holiday, after a day out – not when you’re grumpy or tired. Don’t dwell on your lack of sex. ‘The reality is that sex falls off the agenda for all couples; it’s more useful to focus on a plan moving forward,’ says Dr Gurney.

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Restart that emotional connection

This doesn’t have to mean over a meal in a pricey restaurant. Think of all the things you used to enjoy doing. Whatever ‘your thing’ was, revisit it.

One big wake-up call I had was the realisation that I rarely said anything nice to my partner. I was negative – why are your socks on the floor? Can’t you make the bed? Snapping out of a drought is about disrupting bad habits and creating good ones. Compliments should be emotional and physical. Say thanks for the fact they’ve picked you up from the station – but also tell them when they look good.

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Create more time There’s a danger that masturbating becomes an easy alternative to sex. At one of our Hotbed events, Kelly Ford, a writer and stand-up comedian, referred to ‘the danger wank’ – the masturbation session you squeeze in when you only have a few minutes to spare. There’s nothing wrong with it, but look at the role it plays in your life – and build in time to explore it with your partner, too.

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Go slow Re-establishing your sex life isn’t about stripping off and having penetrative sex straight off. ‘Reconnecting needs to be a process of gradually building up contact,’ says Dr Gurney, ‘That can be hugging in clothes and kissing, then hugging without clothes on.’ To take the pressure off, agree that you’re not having sex that night. Dr Gurney advises spending longer at each stage than you think you need to: slowly progress to caressing, massage, oral sex and beyond. Forget about your old routine, do things in a different order, and take as long as feels right.

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To schedule or not to schedule

For me, scheduling sex piled the pressure on. I found it easier to schedule ‘intimacy’ instead – doing things to rebuild an emotional connection so we were more likely to have sex. The danger, of course, is that you ‘put off’ sex for longer!

So, for some couples, scheduling sex can work wonders. The likelihood is, the more sex you have, the more you’ll want. This approach is best if you’re a tackle-problems-head-on kind of woman, and if you have a strong emotional connection already.

Sex droughts come and (hopefully) go. If this isn’t the case, and you’re worried, then consider seeing a counsellor.

When I needed comfort, I turned to a line by US poet and feminist Adrienne Rich: ‘We will not live to settle for less. We have dreamed of this all of our lives.’ It’s a valuable reminder that, when it comes to sex – or indeed anything else in our lives – we all deserve more than to settle.