TURN ON THE CHARM

Kate Wills hones a magnetic personality in a charisma masterclass

We all know someone who exudes charisma, whether it’s a devotioninducing yoga teacher, George Clooney, or that charming colleague who has the whole boardroom eating out the palm of their Powerpoint. For the Ancient Greeks, charisma meant ‘the gift of grace’, and we still think of it as an innate and elusive quality that you’re either born with, or you’re not. However, psychotherapist and ‘charisma coach’ Richard Reid believes it is a trainable skill that can – and should – be learnt if we want to succeed.

‘When we talk about someone having charisma, it’s often people who draw us in by making us feel positive and at ease,’ says Reid. ‘But it’s also about having a very strong, consistent identity. Charismatic people don’t change to fit in.’ People discuss those who seem to have this quality – Boris Johnson and Oprah Winfrey – and those who just don’t. When Michael Gove announced he was running for the Conservative leadership, he said, ‘Whatever charisma is, I don’t have it.’ And look how that turned out.

My likeability may not be languishing at Gove levels, but I wouldn’t say I’m particularly charismatic. Public speaking makes me feel shaky, not sparkling, and at parties I’m more likely to be cramming in canapés than holding court. The idea of a one-on-one ‘charisma masterclass’ has filled me with equal parts cynicism and trepidation.

I meet Reid in a nondescript room just off London’s Bond Street that calls to mind a therapy session – two armchairs, modern art print on the wall, tissues on the table. I feel like whatever the magic ‘it factor’ is, I’m not going to learn it here. It doesn’t help that I’m not exactly feeling my most magnetic, having accidentally got drunk at a friend’s book launch the night before.

‘This is going to be a long two hours,’ I think to myself, as Reid begins by scrutinising my (deeply hungover) body language. With my legs crossed, arms folded in my lap and shoulders slumped, I’m deliberately making myself small, apparently. But it’s not about

puffing yourself up to feel powerful à la Donald Trump. ‘Charismatic people naturally take up the right amount of space in the room,’ says Reid. ‘We’re hardwired to be attracted to strength, but if someone’s too dominating, we feel threatened. Think of the handshake that’s not too firm or too floppy.’ Reid also points out that charisma doesn’t always mean being the life and soul of the party. ‘It’s a common misconception that charisma is purely the domain of extroverted people,’ he says. ‘Think of someone like the Dalai Lama. That presence and control makes people sit up and take notice.’

Reid, who worked in business consultancy before retraining as a psychologist, developed one of the UK’S first charisma courses in 2009. Since then, his clients have included Google, Morgan Stanley and the Ministry of Defence, as well as individuals who want to improve their success in life, be it dating or delivering a great wedding speech. For our first exercise, he asks me to talk about myself for two minutes. Although I start off confidently enough, soon I’m trailing off into nervous laughter and inventing random hobbies, which gives me horrible flashbacks of my GCSE French oral. ‘You did well,’ says Reid generously, perhaps sensing my fluster. ‘But there’s a lot we can work on here.’

I discover I use too many filler words – starting with ‘so’ and saying ‘umm’ every other sentence. ‘When you want to use “umm”, visualise a full stop and take a breath,’ advises Reid. ‘Silence is very powerful and short sentences are easier for the listener to follow.’ I have another go, and this time he picks apart my body language while I ramble, such as a tendency to clasp my hands together and open out my thumbs when I’m uncertain about something. Instead, Reid demonstrates how to use softer, expressive hand gestures that ‘bring the listener into your world’. He also picks up on how my voice tends to rise at the end of my statements, making them sound like questions – a trait I’ve long wanted to shake off (people always ask me if I’m Australian).

After several run-throughs and a lot of effort (and nervous laughter on my part), I feel like I have a lot more gravitas. ‘You’re no longer asking for approval, you sound like you’re in control,’ he says, and I have to admit, he’s right. Next, we focus on active listening, which Reid says is key to making someone feel at ease

– a big part of charisma. ‘A lot of people think they’re a good listener, but we’re often very quick to rush in and empathise – “That happened to me, too”; or put words in their mouth – “You must be really excited about that”. By allowing for pauses, we get much more meaningful, nuanced answers.’

We roleplay an exercise that happens in most offices every Monday morning. Reid invites me to ask him about his weekend. I’ve barely started before I’ve made my first mistake. ‘Asking “Did you have a good weekend?’ is a yes or no question that makes people feel unsure how much detail to give,’ he explains. ‘Open-ended questions like “How was your weekend?” are much better.’

As Reid starts telling me about his weekend, it’s surprisingly hard not to fill up the pauses, and to phrase questions in an open, leading way. Apparently ‘Why’ can come across as aggressive, so ‘How’, ‘What’ and ‘When’ questions are much better. Reid also pulls me up on some other no-nos – breaking eye contact too soon (‘signals nervousness or disinterest’), and too much nodding (‘Seems insincere – nod once and then remain still’). As someone who interviews people for a living, it’s quite a revelation. He also imparts a nice trick whereby if someone has mentioned feeling positive about something, by reinforcing that for them in a question (‘So you felt pleasantly surprised, did you?’), they will leave the conversation associating that positive emotion with you.

For Reid, all of these exercises are about getting out of our ‘reptilian brain’ (which is our fight or flight mode), and into our ‘human brain’ (which is slower, more thoughtful and more rational). Charismatic people tend to be calm and warm, and naturally get people into this mode, but a technique called ‘Anchoring’ is a clever shortcut. Reid instructs me to push my thumb and forefinger together while thinking of a particularly relaxing holiday. ‘While you were doing that, your breathing became slower, your face became flushed, your body visibly relaxed,’ he tells me. ‘It’s an incredibly powerful grounding tactic that’s used by everyone from athletes to performers.’ Reid has an associated emotion for each one of his fingers, depending on whether he wants to feel energised, relaxed or focused, or is about to go on live TV.

By the end of our session, I’ve gone from being deeply sceptical to feeling like I’ve been granted some kind of superpower. I can’t help thinking about all the job interviews, connections and opportunities I might have missed out on because I didn’t have this coaching 10 years ago. It’s a lot to take in and the following morning, at a work event, I try to practise some of the techniques Reid has taught me. Although it takes near-constant effort to remember everything, I feel a lot more polished and self-assured and I end up swapping contact details with three new people. I may not be commanding the masses just yet, but give me time.

For more information about one-to-one and group charisma masterclasses, visit pinnacletherapy.co.uk

‘BY THE END OF THE SESSION, I FEEL LIKE I HAVE A SUPERPOWER’