BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND

Why you should show yourself a little compassion

What is the worst name you’ve ever called yourself? Stupid? Or thick? Fat or ugly? Idiot or clumsy? We use words about ourselves that we wouldn’t dream of saying to a good friend in a million years. You might think being mean to yourself is motivational – the only thing that keeps you functioning, achieving, sticking to New Year resolutions. In fact, research shows treating yourself as you would a good friend, a technique called self-compassion, makes for better physical health and body image, reduces stress, anxiety and depression, and helps you cope better with stress and survive times of struggle. Self-compassion is not the same as self-care – the bath you have when you get home – it’s how you talk to yourself in the difficult moments, the ones when life gives you lemons. Changing the voice in your head to a soft, kind one works so well because it gets to the heart of how we’re made. ‘Our bodies are programmed to respond to warmth, gentle touch and soft vocalisation,’ says Kristin Neff, an associate professor at the University of Texas in Austin’s Educational Psychology Department. ‘Self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves kindly, of embracing ourselves as we are, flaws and all,’ she says.

This technique, which Neff created in 1997, has spread to become a global movement. Her Tedx talk, The Space Between Self-esteem & Self-compassion, has been viewed over a million times. And a lecture she gave in China last year was live-streamed to half-a-million people. That’s because the results have been repeatedly measured, proving the technique works. ‘Last I counted, there were just over 1,700 papers with self-compassion in the title – half of them in the last two years,’ says Neff.

Self-compassion has been shown to help in all kinds of situations in which people typically struggle, from romantic jealousy and poor

sleep to perfectionism, body dissatisfaction and burnout. One 2018 study, for example, showed that practising self-compassion helped keep job seekers’ spirits up, even after frequent knock-backs.

You’ll be pleased to know that you can learn the basic technique in less time than it takes to have a meltdown. ‘I think that’s one of the reasons the research has taken off. It’s something pretty much everyone can do.’

Psychotherapist Padraig O’morain, author of upcoming book Kindfulness (out June 2019), describes seeing it in action. ‘We tend to be judgemental towards ourselves, very aware of our own faults and shortcomings,’ he says. ‘When people decide to take a self-compassionate attitude, that gradually falls away. They notice what is going on earlier. They also probably become a bit more tolerant of other people as well.’

It was while studying self-esteem just over 20 years ago – at a time when many psychologists saw it as the ultimate marker of mental health – that Neff noticed high selfesteem wasn’t always helpful. She saw that when people failed or struggled, their self-esteem could fail, too. At the same time, Neff joined a meditation course, where she discovered Buddhist ideas about having compassion for yourself. It changed her research direction – and her life, too. You may have seen the film The Horse Boy, about a couple’s journey across Mongolia on horseback to help their son, Rowan, who is autistic. Neff is Rowan’s mum. In one of her stories, she tells how Rowan had a massive meltdown on a plane aged five; he only calmed down once she’d calmed herself with self-compassion.

SELF-COMPASSION IN PRACTICE

If you want the simplest definition of self-compassion, this is how Neff explains it to children: ‘Be a good friend to yourself as well as to others.’ In the research, it’s a little more complicated, with three core parts: 1) Be mindful of how you feel right now, so you can see if you are suffering or in pain. 2) Recognise our common humanity – that we are all imperfect and doing the best we can – so failure and hard emotions are inevitable. ‘It’s so psychologically damaging to feel we’re isolated in our suffering whereas, in fact, that’s what connects us to other people,’ says Neff. 3) Self-kindness. Treat yourself with encouragement, patience and empathy.

Zoe Blaskey, mum of toddler Jessie, who founded Motherkind, a self-help platform for modern mums, says practising self-compassion has transformed her. ‘I have used it every single day since I learnt it a year ago,’ she says. ‘It takes around 30 seconds. When a challenging emotion comes up, often guilt for not being a perfect mum, self-compassion stops that spiralling. I will first say to myself, “Ah, what I’m experiencing right now is guilt.” Then, “I don’t think there’s a mum on the planet who doesn’t feel like this sometimes.” Then, finally,

I’ll apply self-kindness. “What can I say to myself to be really kind, like I’d talk to a good friend?” I’ve noticed that, over time, my critical voice has quietened.’

HOW KIND ARE YOU TO YOURSELF?

If you’re lucky, you may already have a good quota of self-compassion. Its roots go deep, back to your childhood. ‘If our parents met our needs and made us feel safe and secure and loved, it’s more likely we’ll have self-compassion as adults,’ says Neff. If it doesn’t come naturally, there’s practice, either formal or relaxed. You can choose to do it every day, in the form of meditation, or in Neff’s six-week Mindfulness Self-compassion Programme (centerformsc.org). Or you can simply do it each time you hit an emotional bump.

For those with trauma in their past, it may feel too difficult, so the guidance of a therapist will help (in the UK, find someone who specialises in compassion-focused therapy).

Neff says that as she’s travelled the world lecturing on selfcompassion, there are five main objections that come up. One of those is that it gets confused with self-pity and with self-indulgence. People also think it means you’re weak or that it’s going to undermine your motivation. Plus, they also assume it’s selfish. But, in fact, ‘What we know is that the more you practise self-compassion, the more you do things like exercise, eat right, take care of yourself,’ says Neff. It helps people choose long-term wellbeing over the short-term pleasure of self-indulgence. And, as it stops you feeling anxious or afraid, which undermine motivation, it also makes you braver. ‘When things have got hard,’ says Blaskey, ‘instead of beating myself up and wanting to give up, it has helped to me carry on. Without a doubt, it’s the reason my business has been a success.’

In fact, research shows that self-compassion makes you less self-pitying and self-involved. ‘Instead of being lost in your pain – thinking this is the worst thing that ever happened, my life is horrible and I’m horrible – you step outside of yourself,’ says Neff. ‘It’s such a simple shift. Everyone is really surprised what a huge difference it makes.’ Try the exercises opposite and see what happens. Self-compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up And Leave Insecurity Behind by Kristin Neff (Yellow Kite)

‘TREAT YOURSELF WITH PATIENCE AND EMPATHY’