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My husband and I divorced when our daughter was three, but we have an amicable relationship and are still very close when it comes to her upbringing. She is now 14 and spends her time equally between us. I have a partner of four years and we have a two-year-old son, and recently my daughter has said that she would prefer to spend more time with us. She tells me it’s because she finds it disruptive travelling between homes, and there have been issues with her dad introducing her to a stream of short-term girlfriends and their children over the years, which I think she’s found unsettling. I’ve mooted the idea with him of her spending more time in one home and he’s accepted that it’s inevitable as she gets older, but says he isn’t ready to cut it down to every other weekend (her wish). She’s not comfortable discussing this with her dad and the three of us are meeting soon so I can facilitate a discussion between them, but I’m unsure what my role should be. As her dad has had shared parental responsibility for all these years, should I let him decide how often he gets to see her or should it be her sole decision? I accept she is growing up and it’s important we listen to what she wants, but I’m stuck in the middle and don’t want to upset anyone.
I can understand your discomfort with this role and I’m not sure you should be taking it on. It may be better to consider family therapy.
There is research to show that a child’s mental health does not suffer when parents get divorced if everyone co-operates, but they do suffer if parents are acrimonious. It’s great that you and your ex-husband get along because some children feel pulled in two directions as they want to be loyal to both parents. Sometimes, it’s easier for them to give up a parent so they don’t have to keep adapting to be loyal to one, and then loyal to the other.
Be careful with your disapproval of your ex-husband’s string of girlfriends because, if your daughter senses your negative judgement of her father, she may feel that her loyalties are split between you, and that could be a factor as to why she wants to see him less. I’m also wondering what might be behind her reluctance to talk straightforwardly to her dad about spending less time with him.
It is normal to want to spend more time in one home. Quite often, although children love both parents, they get tired of spending their time equally in two places – they often want a main base. This could be a reason for spending less time at her father’s. If, however, she’s picked up on your disapproval, and finds it difficult to talk to him about it, she may be alienating herself from her dad. While her wants and needs should be taken seriously, and any adjustments in arrangements must be for her sake, it is also essential, for her mental health, that one parent does not become alienated. A child unconsciously sees themself as half Mum and half Dad, and if, say, Dad becomes ‘bad’ in their mind, they can start to think that they are half bad, too.
Your situation is complex, which is why I recommend family therapy with a specialist in separations, such as familyseparationclinic.com/ services. You should not be put in the position of judging whether your daughter’s loyalties between you and your ex-husband are split or if she is just fed up with commuting between two homes.