TICKING THE BOXES
My 30th birthday was a low point for me. Some months earlier, my fiancé and I had broken up. He had been my boyfriend since university and our wedding was planned for that summer. While I had started seeing someone else, the ‘marriage’ box I had presumed would be ticked by the time I finished my third decade of life definitely wasn’t. Nor was the ‘kids’ box or, for that matter, the ‘house’ or ‘career’ boxes. My rental flat and shift work at a weekly gossip magazine just felt like further markers of my failure.
By my 40th, everything had changed. I was working here at Red, happily married (not to either of the other guys, I might add), with a house of my own and two kids. While I resented 30 as it came hurtling towards me, 40 I was ready for – satisfied I was on target, too.
But for what? And actually, did the box ticking guarantee happiness anyway? It’s a question we’re asking in this issue of Red. On page 35, Elizabeth Uviebinené explores the idea of ‘arrival fallacy’ – the myth that when we achieve our goals, eternal contentment will automatically follow. And on page 54, Alain de Botton asks if teaching ourselves not to be unhappy with what we have now is of greater benefit than striving to find future joy. Does this perspective only come with time? I love the insights shared by the four brilliant writers – from Susan Wokoma to Candace Bushnell – on how your values change as you pass through the decades.
At 50, Bushnell says, ‘Life becomes less about wanting the next thing. You got married, you had the first child, you had the second child, but if you ended up getting divorced, you realise, “Hey, I did everything right and it didn’t guarantee happiness.” So, life becomes more about looking inwards to find your happiness.’
Our cover star this month, the utterly beguiling Renée Zellweger (to say we were smitten is an understatement), did her own form of soul searching. She explains to Megan Conner, on page 36, why, despite the outward appearance of success, she imposed a six-year career break on herself. ‘I looked like I wasn’t taking care of myself. I felt like I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was bored with myself,’ she reveals, adding, ‘I learned a lot from it – and that’s what I needed, I guess. I learned a lot about perspective.’
As for my own box ticking, I know it would tie this missive up nicely if I were to reveal my life is no more blissful now, but actually it is. In the place of my old boxes are new ones (move to the coast, write a book), but I am also better at embracing what I have now. As the brilliantly wise Philippa Perry advises on page 164: if you look after the present, the future tends to look after itself. It’s a theory I subscribe to.