…IN MY 40s

‘We are wonder women, not perfect women,’ says Annabel Rivkin

"If we're not in it together, we're not in it at all"

‘PEOPLE ARE UNIQUE, BUT FEELINGS ARE NOT’

The others got as much of a shock as I did. The room reverberated with it. I had changed lanes without indicating. I had, at a dinner with six dynamic, glamorous, evolved women, taken ‘How are you?’ as a question. I hadn’t said what was expected of me, which was ‘I’m Absolutely Fine!’ Instead, I blearily blurted, ‘I’m so anxious that I haven’t slept in months and it’s making me feel so bleak that I wonder if I want to die.’ So that’s cheerful. Oops. Won’t be asked back. There was a moment when it hung in the air; this over-share. And it wasn’t the fun kind of over-share about sex or gossip (I find, as I move through my 40s, that and I am keener and keener to be the last to know); it was a snapshot of panic. And then everyone started talking at once. ‘I’m terrified I’ll go bankrupt and die on the streets with a couple of plastic bags,’ said one. ‘I’ve been on anti-anxiety meds for two years but I still feel insane,’ said another. ‘I love my husband but I can’t bear to have sex with him…’ you get the idea. So, that’s the first thing I learned in my 40s: that ‘How are you?’ should be a question. That it is a question we should all be asking ourselves periodically throughout every day. I now realise that, when I am over-tired and under-aware, I am at my very worst. That is when damage is done. And so I now acknowledge, with neither shame nor pride, my own bottomless internal combustibility. And through doing this and writing a book about the hilarity, wisdom and indignity of it, I realise that we are all more alike than we are unalike. That people are unique but feelings are not unique. That it is never just me. This low-level lunacy is part of the texture of life. If we’re not in it together, we’re not in it at all.

Above all else, I think my 40s have connected me with a sense of community when it comes to other women and all the colours in our rainbows. The erudition and regret and power and rage and resolution and sheer potential that we all share. I now know this: just because we feel mad much of the time doesn’t mean we aren’t winning. The doubt and the worry aren’t compromising; they are connecting. Feelings are a bore but they are the big connector.

And I have learned that, just because you are frightened, it doesn’t mean you’re not brave. Tell someone you are panicking. They are probably panicking too. We are all panicking. It’s one of the reasons we are wonder women. Not perfect women. Wonder women.

Oh, and while I’ve got you:

1) Nothing good happens at three in the morning.

2) This is the rush hour of life: you have spots, wrinkles and possibly braces.

3) Swearing f***ing helps.

4) You should never buy the smallest size you can fit into.

5) If you check out of technology, you are checking out of life. Don’t do it.

6) If you need to cancel, you need to cancel.

I’m Absolutely Fine! A Manual For Imperfect Women (Cassell) by The Midults is out now; themidult.com