HOW TO SAVE A RELATIONSHIP IN EIGHT DATES

The secret to lasting love? Have conversations that count, relationship experts John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman tell Arielle Tchiprout…

Get out of a rut with this expert rescue plan

Do you remember having conversations when you first fell in love that seemed to last for ever? When there was so much to learn? Under the bedsheets at 2am or on planes to new cities? You’d talk about your childhoods and ambitious dreams with wide-eyed wonder. Yet, somewhere along the way – after moving in together, getting married or having kids – the questions you asked switched from, ‘What’s your biggest fear?’ to ‘Can you pick up the dry-cleaning?’ Sadly, long-term couples don’t talk enough: ‘We often have meaningful conversations in the stardust of connecting to each other, but when relationships develop, these conversations get put on the back burner and grow cold over time,’ says clinical psychologist and co-founder of The Gottman Institute Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman. ‘One study of married couples found that they spoke privately, on average, for just 35 minutes a week.’

According to Julie, this is a cause of disconnect in relationships and can be the catalyst for breakdown. This is why she and her husband, acclaimed relationship expert Dr John Gottman, have co-authored a new book, Eight Dates, to guide couples through having more sincere conversations to foster happy relationships.

When it comes to romantic advice, it’s wise to listen to the Gottmans. For decades, they’ve conducted research with thousands of couples to uncover the secrets to happy

relationships; John’s ‘Love Lab’ research enabled him to predict within 10 minutes of meeting them whether a couple’s marriage will last with 94% accuracy. And their findings work: they’ve been happily married for more than 30 years. So what’s the secret? ‘We have learned in our research that deep, healthy relationships take knowing each other’s internal worlds,’ says John. ‘Knowing your partner’s interests, values and needs, which can evolve over time.’ The Gottmans acknowledge that it can be difficult to enter these deep realms with your partner, so they’ve developed a framework for eight different dates you can go on together, each addressing an important topic, with questions to encourage introspection and reflection. The goal is not to argue, but to bring you closer.

‘Time is always an issue, but being in a loving relationship means prioritising each other,’ says Julie. ‘Try to have a date once a week and make them a permanent part of your life. Plan them. Look forward to these. Make dedicated, non-negotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner.’ Get started now…

DATE 1 Recommit

WHY? You may think of commitment as exchanging vows or legal contracts, but commitment is actually affirming that your partner is precious and not replaceable. This means accepting your partner, despite their flaws, and not threatening to find something (or someone) better elsewhere. HOW? Choose a place that is meaningful to your relationship, such as where you first met. Discuss the ways you cherish your partner. Do they make you feel safe? Do they have any skills you admire? Telling them why you’re committed will build trust and strengthen your bond.

ASK THIS What does trust mean to you? What do you need from me to show that I am committed in this relationship?

DATE 2 Unpack issues

WHY? Tread carefully – this should not be a confrontation, but an opportunity to unpack any issues and work out the best way forward. Rather than avoiding a difficult topic and allowing resentment to simmer, managing conflict helps us love each other better and understand each other on a deeper level.

HOW? Go for a walk holding hands – that way, even if you disagree, you’re heading in the same direction together and maintaining intimacy. Keep it positive and discuss what you do need, rather than what you don’t need. Make that positive need as specific as possible, for example, ‘I would like you to respect me,’ isn’t as good as, ‘I would like you to turn off your phone at dinner so we can talk.’ If your partner expresses anger, don’t get defensive – ask what they need. ASK THIS Is there a story behind this issue related to your upbringing? How can

I best support you when you are feeling angry?

DATE 3 Talk about sex

WHY? When life is busy, sex is first to drop off the to-do list, but it’s vital for maintaining intimacy. Research shows that couples who talk about sex have more sex, and women in these relationships have more orgasms. HOW? Do something physical before you meet, such as yoga, to feel in touch with your body. Dress in a way that your partner finds sexy or, if you are at home, don’t wear clothes at all. Bring an open mind and a willingness to be vulnerable with your partner. ASK THIS Where and how do you like to be touched? What can I do to make our sex life better?

DATE 4 Address the M-word

WHY? It’s critical to communicate about money (it’s one of the top fve reasons couples fight). Explore what money and work mean to you both. How much is enough? How can you work towards goals together? HOW? Spend little or no money – perhaps have a picnic. Avoid being dismissive about your partner’s work stress and try not to compare your work to your partner’s.

ASK THIS How do you feel about work now? What is your biggest fear around money?

DATE 5 Discuss family

WHY? Growing a family puts strain on a relationship. John found that 67% of couples who had a child within four years of marriage experienced a drop in marital happiness in the first three years of the baby’s life. Talking about family life can counteract this dip. HOW? Examine your feelings about family as a whole. Talk about your childhoods, what family means to you and how you can build on these values. ASK THIS What does parenthood feel like for you? What do you want to do to deepen our family relationship?

DATE 6 Let loose

WHY? Couples who play together, stay together, but we don’t always have the same ideas about what ‘play’ means. It’s fine to have separate hobbies, but it’s essential to laugh and have fun with your partner, too. HOW? Go somewhere you’ve never been before or have the entire date in a bathtub. Be adventurous! Think about three new things you’d love to try beforehand, then decide which things you could do together. Don’t force your partner to do what you want – find something you can both enjoy. ASK THIS What’s the most fun you’ve had in the last few years? How do you think we could have more fun?

DATE 7 Create shared meaning

WHY? Research shows that if couples think their pairing is sacred, they have a better relationship. This doesn’t necessarily mean assigning religious meaning – it’s about believing in a higher connection. HOW? Think about rituals to bring you closer – whether it’s kissing goodbye in the morning or lighting candles at dinner. Talk about your beliefs and how you can encourage each other in your spiritual growth. ASK THIS What do you consider sacred; why? How can I support you?

DATE 8 Dream big

WHY? Dreaming together and honouring your partner’s dreams is a profound act of love. Everyone makes sacrifices, but surrendering dreams can lead to bitterness and resentment. HOW? Go to a place that inspires you. Discuss dreams with an open mind and open heart, even if they seem unreachable. Work out what dreams you can achieve together. ASK THIS What were your dreams when you were a child?