LOOKING FOR MORE FRIENDS? A BETTER JOB? A NEW RELATIONSHIP? YOU NEED NUNCHI

looking for more friends? A better job? A new relationship?

The new Korean it-word

Apparently nunchi – the Korean system of social and emotional intelligence – holds the secret to winning friends and influencing people. Brigid Moss goes to charm school…

Ihate a silence. If nobody is speaking, I am the first to fill the space with whatever rubbish comes out of my mouth. Often with no filter. My usual tactic is to start telling a self-deprecating story: how I tripped over on the way in, couldn’t find the venue… Last week, at a work meeting, I launched into a story about how I had got on the wrong tube. It turns out, I need to shut the flip up, according to a new book, The Power Of Nunchi. Nunchi is something we all need more of, says its author, Euny Hong. And, one of the first points she makes is: ‘There’s no need to make a big song and dance as you arrive!’ So what is nunchi? I’d describe it as a type of social and emotional intelligence. Nunchi translates as ‘eye measure’ but more loosely as ‘self-awareness’. And according to Hong, it will take you further than any compliment. Nunchi is learned by every Korean child at their parents’ knees, then reinforced in schools and by the work culture. Hong has a brilliant insider/outsider perspective on it: born to Korean parents in the US, she moved to South Korea aged 12 and found she had to develop nunchi tout suite in order to fit in.

Hong says nunchi is an essential life skill. In fact, she’s nicknamed it ‘the Korean superpower’: ‘It can help you get that job. It can win you more friends. It can smooth the path to your success!’ If you can understand what people are thinking and feeling in any situation, you will get more from it, whether that’s money, status or friends. Korean research has shown those with higher nunchi scores are happier, too.

Do I need more nunchi? I want to find out (especially if it can do all that). Hong says if you answer yes to the following statements, you likely already have a high level: ‘I am good at quickly discerning the other person’s mood and inner state.’ (I’d say I’m not bad but we probably all assume that, right?) ‘I do not make other people uncomfortable.’ (Eek. I really hope I don’t. Although I’ve been told I can seem brusque in work situations.) ‘At a social gathering, I am able to distinguish easily between when it’s time to leave and when it’s not.’ (Hmm, I suspect I’ve been that person who has outstayed her welcome.) Challenged to work on my nunchi, I begin at an informal meeting I’m having to chat about a possible long-term freelance gig. According to nunchi, before you utter a word, you need to watch and listen, ‘read the room’. Then, you ask yourself: ‘What kind of emotional energy is happening here? And what kind of emotional energy should I emit in order to flow with that?’

Thinking about it, I realise that in meetings I’m often impatient and go straight into work chat, no preamble. We’re all busy, after all. But a work friend has told me that my niceties-free style can be ‘intimidating’. If you upset someone, it doesn’t matter if you meant to or not. In fact, in terms of nunchi, it’s way more of a crime if you didn’t mean it.

So I attempt to ‘read the room’, to pull back to get a better perspective. This is what I deduce: the woman I’m meeting is super friendly and smiley, jumping up to buy me a coffee. Also – and it’s good to be clued up, according to nunchi – I already know she’s a fashion person.

In an attempt to be less work-focused, I make fashion small talk. It’s no sacrifice; I had already noticed her truly spectacular 1970s cocktail ring. I am intrigued and ask her about it. She tells me the ring was designed by Andrew Grima. Oh, I say, I love him, I had one of his rings but it was stolen! We chat about where and why she bought hers. The whole exchange may sound like a little bit of nothing, but what this small talk helped me discover is that I’d like working with this woman. We’d get on. The next day, I get an email saying the job is hopefully going to happen. Full points to nunchi.

If you are someone who lacks nunchi, you’ll be that person who’s unlikeable, says Hong, the one people roll their eyes about. The following day, walking into a work lecture with 20 people, most of whom I’ve never met, I feel an intense wave of social anxiety (not helped by now being aware it’s possible to be that person!). Before you enter a room, according to nunchi, you should try to get into a state of stillness and relaxation. So I stop and breathe. My usual tactic would be to take out my phone and do some work emails – or at least pretend to. But nunchi says I need to get off my phone and communicate.

Asking questions is a very nunchi-ful thing to do, so I ask the woman standing next to me why she’s at the talk, and she tells me about her family’s food business. According to nunchi, instead of thinking what

‘BEFORE YOU UTTER A WORD, READ THE ROOM’

you are going to say next – that funny anecdote, that hilarious riposte – you have to listen, really listen to the other person: ‘People don’t need your story to be better than their story, they just need to know you’re listening.’ So I ask her questions. By the end of the afternoon, I know a lot about her business, and she knows nothing about me. I think she might need more nunchi.

I try a nunchi technique with my son’s dad, as we start a tricky conversation about holiday childcare. Hong’s advice is not to say whatever comes to mind (which would probably be along the lines of, ‘Are you joking?’ ) but to start by taking a deep breath. Next, ask yourself: ‘What am I doing and why?’the purpose of this is to get ‘you’ out of your mind. It’s supposed to help you handle any situation with control. So, what am I doing? My answer: looking for a solution that works for both of us. Why am I doing it? Because I want to make our lives easier, not because I want to win. So instead of snapping, I make a jokey comment about how great – aka crap – I am with my diary and we both laugh. This isn’t my usual self-deprecating habit though, because this time it’s considered. And, just like that, the situation is defused. As someone who’s in the habit of talking without thinking, I’ve felt first-hand how nunchi pausing before I open my mouth can smooth the way. Nunchi is a kind of good manners, really. And like manners, if you are confused about what you should be doing, what is or isn’t nunchi-ful, just remember this: always consider the other person.