ASK PHILIPPA

A reader isn’t sure whether to follow her cherished dream to move abroad. Focus on the present, and the future will look after itself, says psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt Philippa Perry

Focus on the present, advises our agony aunt

Q I have always wanted to experience what it’s like to live in another country. My partner and I tried unsuccessfully to emigrate, and I’ve lived with the frustration and longing for the last 25 years. Travelling – and dreaming that one day it would happen – kept me going. I’ve never been depressed or anything, and I did have a good upbringing, but I’ve always felt ‘stuck’ living in the Midlands where I was born. However, in my mid-40s I felt like I could not take living there any longer, so we reapplied to emigrate to Canada. We were told it could take up to four years for our visas to come through, so, in the meantime, we decided to move to Cornwall and it has been like a breath of fresh air. I feel like a new person and love living somewhere different. However, our visas have just come through after only one year and now I don’t know what to do. I’ve always wanted to live somewhere I love spending time, and I’ve definitely found that in Cornwall. The thought of leaving fills me with pain, but thinking that I may never live abroad hurts too. I feel like I’ve spent so much of my life feeling frustrated and unfulfilled, now I’ve found happiness I’m terrified of losing it again, either by moving away, or by not going and regretting it for the rest of my life. My partner does not mind where we live.

A It’s as though I have emails from not one, but three people here. They represent different sides of you and they are all getting in each other’s way.

Charlotte Past has always wanted to move, Charlotte Present is having a great time living in Cornwall, and Charlotte Future has been planned for and day dreamed about for 25 whole years. But, how can I emphasise this enough? Charlotte Future is about fantasy; she has never been real and you do not owe her anything. For a long time this future version of you wanted to emigrate and you dreamed of doing that, but this was because your situation then was not working for you. Now your present situation is working for you.

Charlotte Present is having a really great time living in Cornwall, and I’d say in fact that Charlotte Past, egged on by Charlotte Future, did a really good job of upping sticks to move there.

I have a saying: if you look after the present, the future tends to look after itself.

Now, I want you to get three chairs and label them Past, Present and Future-fantasy. These chairs represent how you are split about this. Your three selves are going to have a conversation about this and when you start saying, ‘I was never fulfilled living in the Midlands,’ you’ll be in the past chair. When you say how much you love Cornwall you’ll be in the present chair, and when you are in your what-wouldit-be-like-to-be-in-canada self you are in your future chair. Charlotte Future was very strong when you were living in the Midlands because you could use her as a fantasy escape. I have a feeling she is losing her grip because present you doesn’t need her as much. You don’t know if you will like living in Canada, you do know you like living in Cornwall. But let these three distinct parts of you talk about it. Change chairs when you change where you are talking from. Slow the conversation down, separate it into these three parts and look at each distinctly. This exercise will help you commit to a decision.

I have a feeling it will be when you commit that you’ll feel content. It may be your lack of resolution and fear of getting it wrong that is the cause of unease, not the actual place you choose.