THE WORK-LOVE BALANCE

We know where to look for advice about love, and how to succeed in our careers. But how can we thrive in both at the same time? Arielle Tchiprout finds out

How to find romance and have a successful career

Being in a loving relationship is great. Having a fulfilling career is great. Both are so great, in fact, that Sigmund Freud allegedly dubbed love and work ‘the cornerstones of our humanness’. Yet, for some reason, it can feel like our relationships and careers are completely separate entities, that cannot coexist peacefully at the same time. If we’re flying high at work, that leaves no space for love and romance. And if we want our relationships to flourish, we have to prioritise one person’s career (usually the highest earner), and learn to make sacrifices. According to Jennifer Petriglieri, professor of organisational behaviour at INSEAD business school, it doesn’t have to be this way. In her new book, Couples That Work, she researched more than 100 couples across multiple industries to determine that you can be ambitious in your career and your relationship simultaneously. It just takes a little communication, mutual support and, well, work.

‘Love and work bring us different joys and make different demands, but they are both vital pieces of our lives and we must balance the value we place on each,’ says Petriglieri. ‘There’s not one model that works for everyone, but when couples explore what they really want, and not just what they think they should have, then they have a really good shot at thriving in both.’

Petriglieri is one half of what she describes as a ‘double-primary’ career couple, where partners juggle two careers that they treat as equally important. Her husband, Gianpiero Petriglieri, is an author and professor at INSEAD, and they have two children. Although they split the childcare as equally as possible, they’ve also had to rely on crèches, babysitters and childminders. Of course, not everyone can afford, or is willing to pay for, childcare, which can cause parents to make career sacrifices. Petriglieri says couples often fall into two traps: the gender role trap and the financial trap.

Couples are technically more egalitarian than ever before: almost 70% of partnerships in the UK are ‘dual-career’ couples, where both partners work. The breadwinner versus stay-at-home structure is less common now, but the narrative remains that only one person’s career should take priority,

while the other – often the woman in male-female relationships – focuses on the family. ‘Societal expectations ramp up after having children, as many women feel they have to conform to what a mother should do,’ says Petriglieri.

Then there’s the financial trap: in heterosexual relationships, having kids can also cause a larger split between salaries. ‘On average, women partner with men who are slightly older, and age is a big determinant of salary,’ says Petriglieri. ‘And if you take time off for maternity leave, your pay increase slows down, which can push women into taking a step back.’

When the roles are reversed, this can cause issues too. Research has found that in male-female couples where the woman is the higher earner, she actually ends up doing a bigger proportion of housework, on average, than if she worked part time. ‘What we think is happening in these couples is subconscious “compensation” for upsetting the traditional gender roles,’ says Petriglieri.

Thankfully, she says, we’re seeing this less in the younger generations. ‘Couples are shifting their understandings of work to identity and meaning, rather than just who brings in the bread and how much,’ she says. Basing your relationship priorities on who earns more also neglects that the wealth balance may evolve over time: ‘Many people decide to change direction later in life, so it’s hard to predict. If you both pursue your passions, you’ll have optionality and flexibility later on.’

That said, so many couples still buy into the concept of work-life balance – the idea that our home and career lives should be in perfect harmony. Clearly the juggling act of having two primary careers would make this impossible.

While this can be true, Petriglieri sees the idea of ‘work-life balance’ as a red herring. ‘It can definitely be tough sometimes,’ she says. ‘But I found that people who obsessively seek balance are often less content. My research found that double-primary couples were on average more satisfied with their lives, despite the fact they aren’t what we would describe as being “balanced”.’ In fact, according to a 2006 study, couples in which partners earn roughly the same amount and contribute equally to the household have a 48% lower chance of divorce than other couples.

But Petriglieri is quick to note that the ‘double-primary’ system is not the ‘optimum’ structure: she found many successful couples prioritise one career, while others switch places at different stages of life. ‘The common thread is that they worked out a model where no partners felt resentful,’ she says. ‘Sacrifices should only be made in the knowledge that, as a couple, you’ll be better off for it.’

So what’s the answer? Whatever your set-up or financial situation, Petriglieri suggests mapping out your career journeys to make sure you’re aware of your partner’s intended progression and know what challenges could come up in future, such as needing to move abroad. ‘Comparing the career trajectories that you and your partner aspire to and spotting the similarities and differences – the varying patterns of highs and lows, income growth and stagnation, periods of high and low pressure – can help you come up with long-term plans,’ she says. ‘Have agreements about how you’re going to support each other, and be committed to each other’s development and success.’

Ultimately, there is no right way to navigate your working lives as a couple – only that you do navigate them, with your eyes wide open, together. After all, if love and work really are the cornerstones of our humanness, they deserve all the respect and attention we can give them. Couples That Work: How To Thrive In Love And At Work (Penguin Life) by Jennifer Petriglieri is out on 10th October

‘COMMIT TO EACH OTHER’S SUCCESS’