ASK PHILIPPA

A reader can’t get on with her sister. It may be time to break out of the sibling roles you have both unwittingly adopted, says psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt Philippa Perry

Advice from our agony aunt on sibling relationships

Q I am 42 and have always had a difficult relationship with my sister, who is six years older than me. Over the years, I have helped her with house moves, break-ups, money problems and even, on occasions, taken in her children when they were too much for her. She never seems to appreciate or even like me for doing this.

I have always worried about her: how impulsive she can be, how hard it is for her to stick at anything. Ten years ago, after another relationship break-up, she moved away and had less to do with me. She always says, ‘It was all right for you,’ as she had four kids in her 20s, whereas I was off having a career and enjoying myself. On my wedding day, she didn’t congratulate me, she simply said, ‘Trust you to have a big wedding,’ and that was it.

Last year, I sent her a spa voucher for her birthday. She emailed me back saying I was trying to be controlling by giving her that. She is getting married soon and hurtfully has invited my parents but not me.

I don’t understand why our relationship must be so difficult.

Is it worth pursuing? I feel like it is a bit of a grey cloud hanging over me.

A You’ve helped your sister and seem to get attacked for it. You appear bewildered by her treatment of you and feel innocent and hurt. But she can’t stand you. Sorry if it hurts, but it looks as though this seems to be the case.

I expect that underneath her intolerance of you is jealousy. I could speculate that she feels you somehow got more from your parents than she did or you were otherwise privileged over her. Quite often, parents unthinkingly make unfavourable comparisons between their children and this, too, can plant seeds of hostility. When a younger child is born, an older sibling can feel as though they have been replaced in their parents’ affections, and if parents do not take this seriously and don’t bestow extra love and attention to the older child at this tricky time, again seeds of resentment are sown.

When it comes to sibling rivalry, it is often the case that the hostility and resentment is between siblings rather than directed towards parents, even though, if there was any injustice, they would have been responsible for it.

All this would have happened a long time ago, but you might never break out of roles and habits that were started early on. It can all be compounded if you both keep a tally of slights, good deeds and sins, getting you deeper and deeper into your respective positions of, in your case, The Innocent Caring One versus the Impetuous Wild Child. Your sister may see it as you being Holier Than Thou versus The One Who Was Never Given Anything.

I may have misworded these handles, but check to see if some fixed belief about your sister is always there under the surface. You may be putting her in a box, and no one likes to be in a box.

What can you do about it? You have choices. You can show her this column and ask if she would be willing to do some non-blaming investigations with a view to finding common ground. Or you can unilaterally do some work on this by seeing yourself from her point of view and trying to understand why she views you as she does. You may even realise how you could be unwittingly contributing to that view. Or you can walk away from a relationship (even if it is with your sister) that leaves you feeling bad, bruised and misunderstood. Whichever you choose, I hope that the cloud lifts.