MY FIVE GOLDEN RULES Fearne Cotton on life lessons she’s learned

In the last of her year of Red columns, Fearne Cotton shares her sagest and most life-affirming advice

Sometimes, it is hard to spot life’s most valuable lessons. They often get buried beneath a pile of school uniforms that need washing or worries about the friends you haven’t seen this year. We may ignore them because they feel too tricky to tackle, or we are so distracted that we overlook them entirely. So, for my last column in Red, I thought I’d polish up my specs and take a close look at the lessons I’ve learned – and a few I’m still trying to…

1 IT’S OKAY TO BE A WORK IN PROGRESS The lessons we need to learn may present themselves again and again. We experience pain and hurt, yet do not take heed, and we get lumbered with another dose of trickiness so we can have another shot at it. The recurring lesson that I’m still trying to learn revolves around boundaries; I’m not good at setting them. I want to be friendly, giving, on call and thorough, but forget to protect myself in any way. Occasionally, this leads to others trampling over me or taking advantage, which leaves me feeling discombobulated. I’m nowhere near conquering this one, but I’m at the stage of learning to be aware. That is good enough for now.

2 WE’RE ALL IN IT TOGETHER If there is one thing I’ve learned from recording countless episodes of my podcast, Happy Place, it’s that everyone, without exception, is going through something. The gorgeous mum you see on the school run with immaculate children has issues from her past. The unwavering boss has days when they lack confidence. The ex-partner, who seems to be happy in their new life, has fears for the future. We are all dealing with something, and we are never alone.

3 THERE ARE NO QUICK FIXES No French bob, new-season loafers or plush coat with an eye-watering price tag is going to fix you.

I often desperately want a new haircut when I’m feeling wobbly or a bit rubbish. Surely a fringe will eradicate all this anxiety I’m feeling? Perhaps an even shorter bob will diminish my worries about juggling everything in my life? I assume this new haircut will transport me to another dimension, where I am the best version of myself, with no problems and worries. It might boost me for a day or two and put a little more sass in my stride, but I’ll soon remember that I have the same regrets, phobias and concerns in ‘new haircut land’. The only way to fix yourself is to remember that you don’t need fixing in the first place.

4 BEING BROKEN IS FINE As I write this, I have a new sleep neurosis (which keeps me up a lot at night), I worry about work, and I can be oversensitive about things people say. But that’s okay. Maybe that’s where I’m supposed to be right now to learn and expand as a person.

5 YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET BACK TO EVERYONE ALL OF THE TIME Remember when the only way of contacting someone to ask a question or make an arrangement was on a landline? Good. You’re almost definitely as old as me. These days, we can be Whatsapped, emailed, texted, Facebooked, Dmed. We can be digitally poked and probed at any time of the day or night and, as lovely as connections can be, at times, they are also stressful. In the episode of Happy Place when I interviewed Eat Pray Love author Elizabeth Gilbert, she talked about deleting whole inboxes of unanswered emails, which made my muscles relax with liberation at the mere thought of it. Do we have to be on call to everyone at every minute of the day? I think not. Here’s to phones off in the evenings, slow responses that were accepted in the 1990s and a lack of feeling bad about every delayed reply.

I’d love to finish this list by saying thank you to you for reading this column over the past year. One lesson I don’t have to learn is that gratitude uplifts me. So here’s one big juicy thank you for your time and thoughts about my writing and musings. It is so, so appreciated.