HOW TO HAVE THE ULTIMATE FAMILY CHRISTMAS

Let go of how things ‘should’ be and allow your guests to share the load, says Priya Basil

Priya Basil explains why everyone should help out in the festivities

Last Christmas was a disaster. Never had I anticipated the holidays with so much longing; never had they turned out so painful, so testing. There are many explanations for what happened; one is that we all came – from Australia, Germany, Kenya – with very different expectations.

I, among other things, wanted trips to museums, long walks, deep conversations, delicious vegetarian dishes, non-stop cuddles, gratitude, honesty, control. Others, variously, wanted lots of sleep, no fuss, silences, easy distractions, dominance, TV, meat at every meal, no obligations, admiration, unconditional love, gossip, lots of beer, solitude, authority.

We gathered in London at the house of a cousin, who was away, and though we had been given the warmest entreaty to make ourselves at home, I had the odd sense of being at once host, guest and stranger in this place I’d never visited, and where I nevertheless felt an obligation to make sure everything went well. One person alone can’t be liable for keeping a dozen others happy. Still, I foolishly took on the task. I ordered plenty of groceries online in advance, organised dates for visits and outings, arrived earlier than the rest and got a head start on cooking. It was going to be wonderful, joyous, the best Christmas ever.

Of all occasions, Christmas is especially weighted with promise. Even as we might recall the tensions of Christmas-past and dread their repetition, we remain susceptible to a belief that Christmas-future could be flawless. This, perhaps, is the secular faith of celebrants: if I only get all the preparations right, it will be perfect.

Being well prepared certainly has advantages. Indeed, planning and anticipating what’s to come is part of the pleasure of hosting. But true hospitality involves freeing yourself and others from expectations of how things ‘should’ be. It means remaining open, flexible – refraining from deciding in advance on an outcome. Guests who arrive early or late, don’t show or appear unannounced with a stranger, or those who are temporarily picky, moody, unruly – these are the true tests of a host. I did not pass.

Between jet lag, twin babies, a toddler and wildly different eating preferences, our family didn’t sit down to have a single meal all together, except on Christmas Day, when we drove to an uncle’s place for lunch. The rest of the time, there was an assembly line of food; at every hour someone was cooking, eating or being fed. I was aghast: this wasn’t how it was meant to be! We weren’t spending time together properly!

Into the daily chaos thronged a stream of friends and relatives. I was glad to see most of them, but also anxious about how to feed and find time for more people. ‘Why do you think it’s all up to you?’ my mum asked, and pulled out dishes she had prepared and frozen weeks earlier. ‘Let’s just get a takeaway,’ my sister said, and ordered Chinese. ‘Ask the friends who are coming to bring something,’ my husband said. So I did – and they happily agreed. We started cooking when guests were already there instead of trying to have everything ready beforehand. We asked them to buy things we needed on the way over, to help with washing-up. People were glad to be able to contribute, to feel needed – still, I was uncomfortable in the moments of role reversal, as if I were somehow failing. Yet these instances were among the most convivial of the holidays. Later, I reflected that if I’d been able to be similarly relaxed with the immediate family, more accepting of my own limitations and theirs, our time together might have been less fraught.

In families, we often fail to acknowledge that along with the fun of festivities come duties that must be shared. The burden of a successful gathering doesn’t just lie with the host, but with the guests, too, and with our readiness to switch roles. If we could be more open about this, parcel out tasks and not just presents, we might get a little closer to that ‘perfect’ Christmas.

‘Parcel out tasks, not just presents’

Be My Guest (Canongate Books) by Priya Basil is out now