ASK PHILIPPA

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Our agony aunt advises a reader who’s concerned about her partner’s health

A reader is worried her partner isn’t taking responsibility for his health. Acceptance not disapproval is the way to help, says psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt Philippa Perry

Q My partner needs to look after himself and his health better, but the more I voice my concerns, the more he digs his heels in. He is overweight and was recently diagnosed with high blood pressure, but even this hasn’t made him try to lose weight. I cook healthy meals and try to get him to limit his alcohol intake, but I know it will be even harder at Christmas with so much food and alcohol around! He already sees me as someone who nags him all the time and we have rowed about this. I’ve told him he has double standards, as I know it’s important to him that I look after myself and stay slim, so why can’t he do the same for me? Our sex life is suffering because when he is so overweight he loses interest. How can I get him to change?

A Here is the person you love apparently shortening his life right before your eyes and you can’t stop it. That is hard for you.

But be him for a moment. How is he hearing your concern? If I put myself in his shoes, I’d feel that I wasn’t good enough. I’d probably drink and eat to cheer myself up, and I wouldn’t want to make myself any more vulnerable by initiating sexual intimacy.

You sound angry with him and I expect that anger comes from a place of love – and a place of fear. Don’t tell him that he must lose weight, which makes him feel terrible, tell him how much you love him, which will make him feel wanted and cherished. Tell him that you’d feel awful without him. Show him how much he matters to you. Do not tell him he is too fat, or that he has to be anything else other than who he is for you to love him.

And no more, ‘You’d do this if you loved me because I do it for you.’ That just sounds as though you believe you are a better person than he is. I’m sure you only mean that it is possible to control food intake, not that you are superior in any other way, but it might not come across like that, and were he to follow your advice, it might feel to him as though he was colluding with the idea of his inferiority, and that might make him feel worse. If he is feeling inferior, that could be another factor adversely affecting his libido.

Getting into ‘who is right’ arguments never helps a situation. I can understand your resentment and your anger, but showing it to him won’t help either of you. The trouble with the right/wrong positions is that both parties start to gather negative evidence against the other, and it tears you apart. This is what causes distance and arguments between people, not one of you being overweight.

What we all need is love and acceptance. Being seen, appreciated and feeling loved, cherished and understood – these are important for our health and immune systems. Living a healthier lifestyle may delay our inevitable deaths, but it’s important to show our love while we are alive.

He might not take the step to lose weight, and your task is to enjoy him as he is. Realise that he may never change, that he may always prefer instant gratification to changing his habits, so accept and love him as he is.

When he realises he is good enough, exactly as he is, he may regain interest in sex, and it may free him up to make other choices in his life. But there can never be any guarantee that he will make the choice that you would in his position – he is his own man.

Have a wonderful Christmas and maybe let up a bit on your own self-control – it may just help with your resentment.