STAY IN YOUR LANE

Ella Dove learns how to quit the comparisons

Do you often feel like you don’t match up to a peer, a colleague or even a stranger? Do negative thoughts cause the tendrils of self-doubt to wrap their way around your mind and overpower everything else? Perhaps you have an unhealthy obsession on social media; a person whose profile you simply can’t stop looking at, no matter how inadequate their life makes your own feel? If so, the chances are you’re wrestling with comparison. But the good news is we all have it within us to take back control.

‘If you can feel yourself into this comparison trap, you can think and feel your way out of it, too,’ says Lucy Sheridan, the comparison coach, who specialises in helping her clients overcome the damaging compare-and-despair game that can be heightened by social media, and who knows all about the impact of negative thoughts from personal experience. From speaking to her, Sheridan strikes me as a sunny character. Full of warmth and positivity,

there is a smile in her voice. Yet even she has succumbed to the darkness of comparison. ‘Just a few years ago, I was so crippled with self-doubt and low confidence that I would cry in the toilets at the job I had come to loathe,’ she admits. ‘There was a lot of pressure, and I developed acute stress and anxiety because I felt like I wasn’t achieving what I wanted to. I started to quite aggressively compare myself with everyone, and it got to a point where, on a sunny Saturday afternoon, I was fully dressed under a duvet, looking at other people’s lives on my phone for so long it died.’ That moment, she recalls now, was like a lightning bolt. ‘It felt like there was a voice in my head saying “this has got to stop”. Something had to change.’

And so, six years ago, Sheridan left her job in advertising to set herself up as the world’s first, and only, comparison coach. Since then, she has provided numerous people with the tools they need to change their lives – and stay in their lanes. ‘There are some people who very rarely compare themselves, and I study them like rare birds,’ she laughs. ‘But I do think the potential for comparison is in all of us. Social media massively exacerbates it, but it goes back much further than that. We learn to do it from an early age, and feel it differently depending on where we are in our lives. For example, I know that if I’m focused on where I want to be, I don’t tend to pay too much attention to other people because I know what I’m doing, and I’m doing it for my own reasons. But if I fall out of that lane, my comparison can flare up. It will come in like an earthquake.’

How can we prevent this from shaking the foundations of who we are? ‘The first thing is to learn to recognise your triggers,’ says Sheridan. ‘Ultimately, the clues are there because you won’t feel good. Negative comparison can affect our body language. We can tighten up, or even feel hot with adrenaline. It might be that there are feelings of insecurity, worry or panicked discovery when we see someone is doing something we didn’t know about. It can rock our foundations, so that we find ourselves immediately moving to negative side effects. We may have a bitchy reaction, thinking, “That person doesn’t deserve that, I’m better than them.” When that happens, we are in danger of stepping into that envious space, which can in turn lead to an almost obsessive mindset.’

Once we know our warning signs, the next step is to ‘notice what you notice’. ‘Our comparison triggers are unique and could be linked to any area of our lives,’ explains Sheridan. ‘For example, I had a client who was raging about one of her ex-colleagues who seemed to always be at exotic conferences around the world. She, in comparison felt chained to her desk, knackered and uninspired. She had taken to monitoring this former colleague’s activities in such detail that she could actually recount the trips to me – it was like she’d conducted a study, something I see often in clients. It was clear when we unpicked her thoughts that she had been completely ignoring her own wanderlust, which was why she’d become triggered by and fixated on other people’s adventures. By stepping back, taking a breath and asking, “Okay, what do I actually want here?”, she was able to tune in to her inner self and silence the comparison demons. It’s about using the comparison as this stimulus to move through,’ says Sheridan. ‘That way, you learn to focus on what really fuels you.’

‘Let’s say you really want a new car. If you see someone drive past in a beautiful Lamborghini, instead of letting the jealousy and comparison overpower you, try saying, out loud, “Good for you and the same for me.”’ What that does, Sheridan explains, is reinforces the idea that it could happen for you, too. ‘Instead of being stuck in that comparison moment, it moves you through it, allowing you to focus on possibility rather than what is not there. It’s really affirming.’

Another key part of getting out of the comparison trap for good is having clarity on our own goals and our vision for our lives. Sheridan recommends coming up with a ‘compass word’, a deep-set belief or core principle to help ground and guide you. ‘Ask yourself what is important to you, but try not to overthink it,’ she advises. ‘Some answers will spring to mind very quickly. Parts of us just know, so it’s about tuning in to that. For some, their word might be “adventure”. For others, it might be “peace”. It’s a word that is going to help guide your decisions. Once we have that compass word, it becomes a measure, a way of assessing the options in front of us.’

A couple of years ago, she tells me, her compass word was ‘space’. ‘That doesn’t just mean tidying my bedroom,’ she says, ‘it also means not triple-booking myself on Saturdays. So, when invites flooded in on Whatsapp, I would use my compass word to say, “Thank you so much, I’ll let you know nearer the time, but if you want to know right now, it’s a no.” It’s about delivering on that promise to yourself, a simple method to ensure you stay focused on what you want and keep going in the right direction.’

Confidence in ourselves takes practice. For every day you feel like you’re flying, there will be days where you struggle to get out of your comfort zone. ‘Try setting yourself puzzles or challenges,’ Sheridan suggests. ‘Say, “I’m going to answer a question in this meeting, or I’m going to be honest with a friend.” The act of doing generates knowledge and power.’ And if we still feel the grip of comparison? ‘Give yourself two minutes to let it run through your system,’ says Sheridan. ‘Concentrate on letting that feeling pass rather than fuelling it. Give it time to dissipate. So much of our inability to accept ourselves or not celebrate ourselves comes from focusing on regret and missteps. But we would not be who we are without our past experiences. By accepting our own journey, we are also accepting our uniqueness.’ And once we learn to do that, we will be strong, brave and unstoppable.