ASK PHILIPPA
Advice from our resident agony aunt
QQ After miscarrying more than a year ago and struggling to conceive since, I’ve grown distant from my friends. Most either have young babies or are pregnant, so conversation has become difficult. Sometimes I’m able to go to social events where I am the only person without a baby or kids, other times it’s just too painful.
Recently, a friend sent a picture of her baby scan. When I opened the message, it reminded me so vividly of seeing our baby’s scan and its heart beating on the screen that I was overwhelmed with sadness (I even felt sick). I closed it instantly, then later felt guilty for not replying. Understandably, my friends also rarely understand the complex pain of infertility after baby loss, so are sometimes accidentally insensitive. For all these reasons, I’ve found it easier to avoid social occasions, which has become isolating. I have connected with other women experiencing similar struggles and that has been helpful, but I love my old friends and don’t want to lose them.
A First of all, I really feel for you, as miscarriage and struggling to have a baby can feel all-consuming and sometimes like a bereavement. You are ready, you have all the love to give and yet, where is the baby? Not here, and it’s hard to live not knowing if they ever will be. The worst thing can be people moaning about their children when you don’t have one and desperately want one.
People with babies tend to be taken over by them (they need to be), and so won’t be able to help mentioning them and moaning about them. You know how it can be a bit boring when a friend falls in love? Well, for those on the outside this is even worse than that. It’s not that they or you can really do anything different. My first thought was that to stay in close connection, you’ll have to share exactly where you’re at and say that you sometimes distance yourself because it is too triggering and painful. But then I thought, if I’d just had a baby and a friend confided how painful it was for them, I might not have the head and heart space to really feel for them, because my baby would be taking up so much of me. Also, if I were you and I had just confided that, I’d feel as though I’d made myself vulnerable and still not been understood. There really is no straightforward answer to this.
Babies change relationships. Not having a baby when you want one changes relationships. Sad as it is, it’s inevitable that some people fall away at these times. Sometimes you may reconnect later, while sometimes you continue to drift apart. But because you love your friends and want to remain close to them, I think you’ll find a way through this. You will keep communicating and it might be painful at times, but I think if they know where you’re at, and you know they know that, then you will be able to enjoy their children more. But it won’t be easy.
It’s great that you’ve found people in the same position as you, too. When we’re younger, it seems we can confide everything to lots of our friends, and as we get older, it becomes apparent that one person cannot hold everything. So in order to feel seen, heard and understood, we have to tell some people some things – because they’ll get those things even if they don’t get others – and then we find more people to tell those other things to. You are doing this. You are doing everything right. People we share history with are very precious indeed, and yet, new friends become old friends eventually, too.