UNDERSTANDING YOUR STYLE

Understanding your attachment style can help you see why a relationship is going wrong or why you might be repeating unhelpful patterns. It can also help you make better choices about finding a partner. For example, if you have an anxious style, like me, continually picking avoidant partners could make your life tricky. Rather than a passionate union, Levine says, ‘the avoidant/anxious dynamic is really boring and repetitive. There’s nothing exciting about withholding love. It’s always the same. There’s nothing unique about it, and love is unique.’ Levine and Heller’s research seems to debunk the myth of ‘playing it cool’ that books such as The Rules championed in the 1990s. ‘Really, we should be as honest as we can in the early stage of a relationship,’ Levine says, because it’s useful to know if something isn’t working.

In Attached, Levine and Heller say that just over 50% of people are secure, around 20% are anxious, 25% are avoidant, and the remaining 3 to 5% fall into the fourth, less common category (a combination of anxious and avoidant). But whatever attachment style we are, all of us need to depend on others. In fact, Levine says, establishing that level of dependence is how we are able to become more independent. And it doesn’t have to be a romantic partner or therapist you work on your attachment style with – a secure friendship can fulfil this role, too. ‘Attachment is a basic need, like food and water,’ Levine says. ‘It takes a village and we all depend on more than one person.’

Which is why I recommend buying this book and trying out some of the principles and advice Levine and Heller prescribe for different styles. Because our attachment models are not fixed, they can all shift. But knowing which style is influencing your behaviour right now might just make the challenge of finding love – and keeping it – a little less fraught. Questionnaire material extracted from Attached (Bluebird, £9.99) by

Amir Levine and Rachel Heller*