LET IT GO: FIVE WAYS TO FORGIVE

1 ACKNOWLEDGE THE HURT

Give yourself permission to get angry. For forgiveness to be authentic, and therefore helpful, you need to grapple with your fury as well as your sadness and vulnerability. ‘Some people never let themselves get angry, and there’s a degree of denial in this that isn’t healthy,’ says Dr Fred Luskin. But, he cautions, don’t stay there. ‘If anger becomes a habit, it no longer gives you anything of value. It becomes an active process of creating misery for yourself.’

2 MAKE IT UNCONDITIONAL

If forgiveness is conditional, the other person is in control. You can’t let go until they make amends – and that may never happen. In one study, those who forgave only after extracting promises from the other person didn’t get the health boost that unconditional forgivers did.

3 REWORK YOUR STORY

It’s okay to share your grievances with a few close friends. But there’s a difference between attracting support and throwing a pity party. ‘The more you tell a certain story about what happened – if you were dumped, for instance – the more that comes to define you,’ says Luskin. ‘It actually changes your brain: you’re deepening mental grooves, making it more likely you’ll have those thoughts again. After a while, that’s the only way you can think about the situation.’ On the other hand, switching the story around can be incredibly empowering. You might, for example, imagine the break-up as an opportunity to pursue your own passions or to find a relationship that’s better suited to you.

4 DO IT FOR YOURSELF

People who feel they must forgive for external reasons, such as religious faith or their relationship to the transgressor, rather than getting to that point on their own, can end up feeling worse. In one workplace study, people who forgave co-workers because they didn’t see another option felt more stressed and less healthy than those who simply chose to forgive. Instead of viewing the process as something you owe others, think about the stress your anger causes and how freeing it would be to let that go.

5 DON’T TRY TO ZIP THROUGH IT

Depending on the situation, it can take weeks, months, or even years to get over a wound. ‘You have to go at your own pace,’ says Luskin. What’s important is to work on it consistently and create the conditions that naturally give rise to forgiveness. The mind and body benefits will come when you begin to ditch bitterness and self-pity, one negative feeling at a time.