GUEST SPEAKER

Anna Bonet on how to make envy your friend

‘You can be content and envy others’

I don’t know you, but I know that when your friend gets a promotion, a house, or the holiday of your dreams, you swallow your envy and smile. After all, that thing you’re feeling is personified as a (green-eyed) monster. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. Envy is, and always has been, a shameful emotion. But I have a confession to make: I get jealous all the time. In school, I was jealous of the girls who were good at sports (no matter how many times I went to netball practice, I never got picked for the team). I was, and still am, jealous of my older brother, who is so naturally intelligent that he barely has to pick up a book before acing an exam. I’m jealous of every writer who has won an award (or even had a nomination). I’m jealous of anyone who is a home-owner, anyone whose skin doesn’t get as dry as mine and anyone who has a dog. If that makes me sound unfulfilled, bitter and resentful, then rest assured, quite the opposite is true. In reality, I’m perfectly happy with my current lot. We’re told that comparison is the thief of joy, but I disagree. In my experience, you can be content with what you have and envy others. You can also be happy for other people, while still being jealous of them. Those feelings are not mutually exclusive. They can, and do, co-exist. To me, the adage of not comparing yourself to others is akin to being told to ‘cheer up’ when you’re upset: easier said than done. Although it’s taken until now to admit it, I’m always comparing myself to those around me. I try not to, but I do. As much as I pretend not to have those tiny sparks of envy when I hear about the achievements or good luck of others, they’re there. Perhaps that’s a sign of insecurity, but I’d guess it’s more common than we care to admit. Psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt Philippa Perry says that rather than being ashamed of jealousy, we should ‘make friends with it’. She explains that comparison is a human instinct (no doubt heightened by social media, but even cavemen coveted one another’s spears) and there’s nothing wrong with being jealous, as long as it doesn’t turn into hatred of that person, or a wish that they didn’t have what they do. So, when I feel envy bubbling, I’ve stopped guiltily stuffing it back down. Instead, I’ve given myself permission to make friends with it, and I’ve learned that envy can provoke some worthwhile self-exploration. Analysing why I feel jealous helps me understand who I am and what I desire and, in some cases, has led to positive action. When an already high-earning friend got a pay rise, rather than let it fuel resentment, I used it to think about my own career. It didn’t mean I couldn’t celebrate her success. It simply made me realise that there was nothing stopping me from asking for a pay review, too. Digging into jealousy can also help you recognise that there are some sacrifices you’re not prepared to make. I now accept that the glossy side-hustle I wish I had requires weekend and evening work I couldn’t muster, and the friend with the house by the sea is far away from the London culture that I’m not ready to give up. Some things I’m envious about I have no control over (no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be good at netball). We are not all created equal and our opportunities aren’t always the same. But there’s strength in facing your harder emotions, rather than pretending they don’t exist. By reframing your relationship with jealousy – and absolving the shame attached – you can take away some of its power. ‘If you stop seeing these normal feelings as a problem, it is one less thing to get you down,’ says Perry. With so much (well-intentioned) discourse around staying in our own lanes and avoiding comparison, it can be easy to forget that feeling jealous doesn’t make you a monster. Envy isn’t a sin. So, next time you see a gloating Tweet or hear about a friend’s good fortune, don’t suffocate those entirely natural twinges. Feel them. Process them. And don’t be ashamed. Somewhere, someone will probably be feeling them about you.