THE ART OF BEING ALONE
Tips for going solo successfully
it was when I came out of a long-term relationship two years ago that I came face to face with my fear of being alone. Rather than celebrate my new-found independence, I started booking up my diary so I’d never be without company, even crashing on friends’ sofas to avoid another night in my own empty bed.
Two months into being single, I’d become entirely reliant on other people to help me cope, feeling lonelier than ever in their absence. Back then, ‘alone’ meant ‘lonely’ to me, because I didn’t know an alternative. I’d spent my life prioritising almost anything over time by myself. I’d date unsuitable men, say yes to every invitation, and, even when physically alone, I’d be glued to Whatsapp. It was why I’d spent months struggling to save my relationship, rather than accepting it had turned sour.
I realised this chronic need to be around others, which I’d always dismissed as being part of my extrovert personality, had become destructive. So in January 2019, I made a New Year’s resolution: to learn to enjoy spending more time on my own. I didn’t have a word for what I was attempting, so I coined one: ‘alonement’, or positive and fulfilling time dedicated to yourself. My aim was to reframe alone time, so it became the opposite of feeling lonely.
My first step towards valuing my own company involved writing a diary. Putting pen to paper allowed me to process the thoughts I’d drowned out by being around others. Confronting the empty page often felt uncomfortable but, over time, I finally began to heal from my break-up, and to realise my capacity for self-soothing.
I also worked on developing solitude skills; think social skills, but for solo time. I ditched bad habits, such as eating Weetabix for dinner (I call this an ‘only me-ism’: depriving yourself of basic comforts because you’re alone). Instead, I started scheduling in alonement, such as my Saturday ritual of eating breakfast at a local cafe, or movie nights for one. I’d also digitally detox by putting my phone on airplane mode during time on my own, rather than waste it scrolling through Instagram. I wanted to actually be with myself.
The next step involved exposure therapy: visiting public spaces, such as the theatre, alone, when in the past I’d only ever been with other people. This wasn’t always easy. Once, a restaurant refused to accommodate me as a table for one
because, as they said, ‘We like to see customers chatting to each other.’
At times, it can feel like the world isn’t yet built for alonement. I’ve received looks of pity after telling people I’ve spent a Saturday evening solo, or visited a gallery alone: ‘You should have said, I would have gone with you!’ The leisure industry is centred around couples and groups, from two-for-one deals on cinema tickets to the seating arrangements at restaurants (although counter-style dining is increasingly available). Then there’s the dreaded single supplement for solo-occupied hotel rooms.
Yet, the pros soon outweighed the cons. With gained confidence, the whole world became my oyster: from the glass of Champagne I enjoyed at a rooftop bar to celebrate my book deal, to a last-minute trip to Berlin last summer. It’s not that
I value socialising with friends any less, but alonement allows me to enjoy activities in a different way. For instance, solo dining tends to be a more mindful experience, while dinners with friends are centred around the buzz of conviviality. Of course, this new confidence has helped me navigate the forced alone time of lockdown, too.
It wasn’t an overnight epiphany, but embracing alonement has changed my life. I’m calmer, more fulfilled and my self-esteem has soared. I have a stronger sense of me-ness; what I like, what my interests are and how to look after myself. It has also transformed my relationships, because when you stop seeing people as an escape from yourself, you value their company much more.
You can enjoy alonement whatever your relationship status – in fact, many couples cite space as the key to their success. It’s also something you can value at any life stage; parents of young children often tell me they crave alone time like never before.
So, what began as a New Year’s resolution has snowballed far beyond the personal. As I began sharing my progress online, I found I was far from alone in my fear of being alone and, two years on, Alonement is the name of my blog, podcast and forthcoming book.
A fear of being alone no longer dictates my life, and I don’t want it to dictate yours, either. So start by looking at solitude as a window of opportunity to work on one of the most important, and lifelong, relationships you’ll ever have – the one with yourself.