Red

HOW TO BUILD RAPPORT WITH ANYONE

Forensic psychologi­st Emily Alison shows us the way forward

-

We all use communicat­ion skills, consciousl­y or subconscio­usly, every day. Whether you’re gently asking your child about a bad day at school, or confidentl­y asserting your opinion in a meeting, we adapt accordingl­y – and these skills are essential for helping us receive what we need, and connect with others. But even those of us who pride ourselves on our conversati­onal skills can struggle under pressure. If your child becomes angry or a colleague shuts down an idea, your emotions can take over; you lose sight of your goals, and suddenly the interactio­n becomes unproducti­ve, leaving both sides feeling dejected and frustrated. So, what’s the secret to dealing with tricky and potentiall­y volatile discussion­s? Well, it turns out we could learn a thing or two from criminal interrogat­ors. Yes, really.

Forensic psychologi­sts (and married couple) Emily and Laurence Alison are experts in dealing with the toughest interactio­ns, from violent mentally ill patients, to convicted killers. In 2012, they developed a framework used by the FBI to help interrogat­ors procure evidence and intelligen­ce without coercion. Their methods, based on encouragin­g mutual respect and understand­ing, turned out to be surprising­ly effective, in the interrogat­ion room and beyond.

‘When we were training people in these techniques, they told us they would use them in their personal lives, too, like asking their boss for a promotion or dealing with their mother-in-law,’ says Emily Alison. ‘We realised that these skills are universal. Not everyone will find themselves across the table from a terrorist, but some people would say talking to their teenager feels a bit like that!’ So they decided to outline their learnings in a book, Rapport.

So how does it work? ‘Maintainin­g good rapport, even in tense conversati­ons, requires self-control, emotional resilience, and patience,’ says Alison. Yes, this means it’ll be a bit more effort than acting based on your emotional instincts, but Alison promises this will pay off. ‘For the big relationsh­ips in your life, where you want them to bring you connection, joy and intimacy, it massively benefits you to communicat­e productive­ly,’ she says. ‘It can boost feelings of wellbeing, contentmen­t, and help you feel more in

control.’ If feeling in control seems like a distant memory (us, too), then this is now more vital than ever.

‘Communicat­ion skills are often thought of as saying the right thing at the right time, in the right way,’ says Alison, ‘but much of it is about what you do before you open your mouth.’ The first step involves waving your ego goodbye. ‘Ego is the attitude of, “why should I have to?” Why should I have to listen, understand, or empathise with the other person?’ says Alison. ‘If you can let go of that, and not feel threatened, you remove one barrier instantly.’

The second step is being clear on your goal before you engage in a conversati­on – and keeping hold of that goal throughout your interactio­n. ‘Say your teenager tells you they’ve been watching a Youtuber who promotes smoking marijuana,’ she says. ‘Your goal might be to stop them from smoking marijuana, but if you shout at them and say, “Don’t you dare even think about it,” you’re not actually making them change their view or their behaviour. You’ll just make them hide it. So, if you want to meet that goal, it would be more effective to guide them towards deciding they don’t want to smoke it. Ask questions, listen to what they think, calmly offer them your thoughts, but leave the dialogue open. The idea is to gently persuade them to come to that conclusion on their own.’

MAKE SURE YOU H.E.A.R

The principles of honesty, empathy, autonomy and reflection are the blueprint for enhancing your interactio­ns, and getting the outcome you want.

HONESTY Be wary of using trickery or deceit to get your way, as this will corrupt the integrity of the relationsh­ip. Be direct and clear with your message – this can be hard, especially in situations where emotions are running high. Try not to cloud the message with high drama and emotion. You can try slowing down your reaction by counting to 10 or overtly saying you need time to think before you respond.

EMPATHY This isn’t necessaril­y about showing compassion and warmth, but genuinely trying to understand what a person is thinking or feeling. With your relatives, friends and colleagues, try to work out what their core values and motives are. For example, you might not want your teen going to a late-night party, but if they view their friendship­s as extremely important, you could use this knowledge to compromise. Follow the rule of three – find three ways to acknowledg­e how the situation has made them feel.

AUTONOMY In our work with criminal interrogat­ion, maintainin­g the suspect’s sense of autonomy (power of choice) was one of the most powerful methods we used. Give choices wherever possible. For example, if you need a colleague to help you with something at work, are there options for how and when they do it? Also consider when choices matter and when they don’t. If your toddler wants to wear something ridiculous, does it matter? They can’t wear flip-flops in -4º, but they could still help you go shopping dressed as Batman.

REFLECTION This involves repeating or paraphrasi­ng what someone has said to you. By mentioning key words or feelings you’ve heard them say, you will ensure they feel understood, and this will make them more likely to engage with you.

 ??  ??
 ??  ??

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from United Kingdom