SEX ON THE BRAIN?
Women reveal what they really think about when they’re in bed with their partner – no holds barred
I’ve been fascinated by sex and our relationship to it for years. As a feminist campaigner, I was surprised that sex was the one area of my life where, for years, I gave my power away. I was passive. Sex was something that was ‘done’ to me, not something I took control of and enjoyed on my own terms. I put up with painful penetration. I apologised for what my body looked like. I would never say ‘Can you go a bit slower’ or ‘I’m not ready for that’. Thoughts like, ‘I hope he can’t see my cellulite!’, ‘Is my vagina weird?’ and ‘Do I smell?’ stampeded through my mind each time I got naked and I had to drink a vat of white wine beforehand to block them out.
So why did I, like thousands of other women, find it impossible to ask for what I wanted? Sex is a tricky topic for women because it’s so often represented to us by men, particularly within the porn industry. It was one of the reasons I founded the No More Page 3 campaign eight years ago, successfully convincing the owners and editors of The Sun to stop printing photos of topless models. Now, with more female porn directors for example, things are changing – but there’s still a lot to be done.
My personal epiphany came when I finally asked myself what it was that I wanted to experience during sex. Exploring that was, and still is, the best thing I have ever done. I got to know myself, like myself, and I experienced some mind-altering pleasure as a result.
This revelation made me curious to find out how other women from around the world feel about sex in 2021, and if they too are starting to reclaim their power.
To find out, I interviewed 51 women, of all ages, from all walks of life and in all forms of relationships, from straight to gay, single to polyamorous, to ask what they thought about during sex.
I found the women after months of social media call-outs and requests to everyone I knew (and didn’t know). I spoke to them over Zoom or Skype and their answers, which have been compiled in my new book, Women On Top Of The World, fascinated and moved me in equal measure.
Allowing these women anonymity meant they were all searingly honest, and the result is a series of funny and sad, shocking and tender testimonies about what sex feels like for women today.
Each experience is different, unique and fascinating, from the Japanese woman who sees orgasms in colour to the Italian woman who fantasises about her girlfriend being pregnant.
We meet women at different points in their life, from 19 to 74, and from all around the globe. What most struck me was how common themes united them, such as the general lack of adequate sex education – but the tide is turning. As 55-year-old Anita from India said: ‘Things are changing. Women are becoming bolder and learning to assert themselves.’
The resulting book is a beautiful, powerful, heartbreaking, inspiring, educational, empowering and triumphant look at the way women now talk about their sexuality. Best told in their own words, here are just a few of their thoughts…
ON ORGASMS
‘I see numbers and colours when I orgasm. When I do it by myself, I see a three or a six and cool colours – blue, purple, green, sometimes white. But when it’s with a partner, it’s more orange, red and pink, and I see a seven or eight. I think I subconsciously scale the intensity.’ White Tulip, 22, Japan
‘My orgasms feel like fireworks – they are explosive, one fit after another and another, like I am being electrocuted, until the biggest, and then I feel like I’m going to die. He alternates between oral and penetration, so I’m very aroused and wet. It’s magic. I am in my own Alice In Wonderland world, seeing bubbles – no thoughts, just pure pleasure.’ Wambui, 32, Kenya
ON FANTASIES
‘Lately, I’ve been fantasising about my girlfriend being pregnant. I think about how much I want to impregnate her, even though it’s anatomically impossible for me and her. I’ll focus on her body, imagining what she would look like with a pregnant belly, the way her skin will stretch and her breasts will swell, and it turns me on.’ Alessandra, 28, Italy
‘My favourite fantasy is where I am a queen, in an amazing palace, somewhere hot, and I have all these people at my disposal. I choose someone to come to me. It might be one of my handmaids, or a servant or a male subject, young or old. I enjoy the power, the idea of a queen thinking “Who will I have today?’’’ Jenny, 45, Scotland
ON MASTURBATION
‘Six months ago I discovered that I can ejaculate. It’s really messy, but fun. I got this new toy, an air tickler for clitoral stimulation. It looks like something you would have in your bathroom or kitchen but I’ve never had anything like it; it’s “less-than-a-minute” efficient. With a partner I think sex is really good if you take your time, but if I’m on my own I just want to get on with it.’ Lily, 50, Sweden
‘I self-pleasure every other night. I don’t usually use additional stimuli, although there used to be an ASMR Tumblr I liked. ASMR is a trend where you listen to certain sounds or people speaking softly and enjoy the pleasant tingling feelings you get. This Tumblr had British guys and girls posting audio clips, like a guy saying “Hey babe, are you home?”’ Elisia, 31, Singapore
ON WHAT THEY LIKE
‘My husband likes me dressing up in the beautiful, ridiculously skimpy, sexy underwear he buys me. It’s kind of fun for me but it doesn’t turn me on. I need lots of talking. I want to know what’s going on in his mind. So I created this game where we put questions in a bowl; we have to answer a question, then we roll a dice that gives you tasks to do, like taking off an article of clothing or dancing.’
Kate, 43, New Zealand
‘I love spanking; it’s intimate and precise. Pure sensation and arousal through pain. A strong caress. Bam. I love the beautiful spanking sound, full and sexy. The arse gets hot. The hand stays in contact for a moment and the impact wave goes through the whole body. It can really hurt, especially if it’s done for a long time on the same spot.’
Anja, 58, Germany
ON WHAT THEY DON’T LIKE
‘I don’t like snogging. You see it in movies, but I don’t understand why they do it. For me kissing is like a tumble dryer going around and around. Sometimes I do it because I think it’s what you’re supposed to do. I’ve told my husband but he hates me saying it and then I feel like a terrible person.’ Ling Ling, 38, China
‘I enjoy penetration, but only for a short time. For me that’s five to 10 minutes, after that I’ll start thinking, “Come on! Things to do!” Many men brag about how long they can last. I like the opposite; 30 seconds would be good. I’ll think: “What’s the sexiest thing I can do now so that he will be done as fast as possible?”’ Rose, 26, USA
ON SEX TOYS
‘I love my Rabbit. When the battery is full it’s really quick, brrrrrrrrr, and my orgasm comes like a huge explosion. My husband is very naughty, he keeps it there and then I get another and another. One day I lost my voice because of all the orgasms and excitement.’ Maria, 50, Spain
‘My vibrator is tiny and a bit pathetic. I want to treat myself to a nice one and would happily spend £150 to £200 because I know I’m going to get a lot of use out of it. I think of it as self-care; I realised in my mid-30s that, holistically, it’s incredibly important to love yourself – and masturbation is part of that.’ Boudicea, 42, UK
Women On Top Of The World: What Women Think About When They’re Having Sex by Lucy-anne Holmes (Quercus) is out on 25th February.