ASK PHILIPPA
Our agony aunt advises a reader who’s concerned that she will never find ‘The One’
QA reader despairs of ever finding The One. Maybe it’s time to accept your type is not your type, says psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt, Philippa Perry.
Q I’m 48 and have been divorced for more than eight years – my ex had serial affairs and I decided not to take it any more. Since then, I have had two relationships – one for 10 months, the other for just over a year – but I’ve been single for three years. I understand that being in a relationship is not everything and I have amazing friends, but I would like someone to share my life with.
I’ve had co-dependency tendencies and attachment issues in the past, but have had counselling and done a lot of work to sort this out. I look young for my age, exercise regularly and dress well. I’ve tried dating sites and introductions through friends, am regularly out, Covid permitting, and I’m in a rambling club that I enjoy.
Other friends who are single meet man after man or have settled down quickly and are all happy. I am strong, I have a good job, a lovely home, and fantastic relationships with my children, aged 12 and 14.
Where am I going wrong? I know I should be ‘happy’ with what I have, and I am, but I don’t want to be on my own for the rest of my life.
I keep looking, but that doesn’t get me anywhere and I just feel I’m wasting time and should just accept the life I have, but that makes me sad.
A The only thing you are doing wrong is asking yourself, ‘What am I doing wrong?’ The answer is nothing. I have friends in your position; gorgeous women, who look after themselves, have their lives sorted and yet somehow are single without wanting to be. What are they doing wrong? Same as you, I bet: NOTHING! Sometimes I feel I must conclude there is a shortage of decent blokes for the middle-aged woman.
But I have noticed that when people date just for fun and company, and don’t think of their dates as the one to fulfil the future role of Mr Right, then sometimes, Mr That’ll Do For Now comes along and becomes The One, even though you didn’t think he was, and he didn’t initially think you were, either. The One tends to become The One when you’ve spent a lot of time together, influencing each other and building up shared moments. No one, unless they are an illusion, is perfect straightaway.
I think accepting life as it is sounds like a very good idea, but that doesn’t mean you should stop dating. Date for fun rather than as a chore you must do to sort your future out. Meeting people is not a waste of time, it can be rewarding.
The other thing that may change in middle age is the lack of initial attraction. Fancying someone is generally the catalyst that gets things going when you are a young adult, but this happens less as you get older. Rather than getting immediately hooked on a look or a manner, middle-aged attraction may take longer, needs more time and is more entrenched on liking the person rather than loving the look of them. Liking may turn to loving, but it needs time and a lack of expectations.
The self-help guru Susan Jeffers said a wise thing about finding love: if you are having difficulties, it might be because ‘your type is not your type’. You were with a serial philanderer and for him to be such a person you’d need charisma, looks, a certain twinkle and wit. Maybe this is what you are still looking for? And maybe such a person might not have the staying power that makes a great life-long lover and companion? Maybe someone less initially visible might turn into The One. The Beast in Beauty And The Beast comes to mind! He was transformed into a prince when he was loved.