WHAT IS YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLE?
Most people have a style of communication they feel comfortable with, but the secret is to be flexible. This requires knowing how to seamlessly move between styles, and work out the best times to use them. In our research, we created this four-animal circle, which shows how different communication styles interact. The theory is that we all have the capacity to behave in these different ways when we communicate, but we can either do them well or badly.
LION: The controller
A BAD LION IS bossy, dogmatic, controlling. They take over completely, ignoring others’ opinions, and they interrupt and overrule.
A GOOD LION IS in charge and making clear decisions. Their attitude is, ‘listen to me, I know what to do.’
When should you be a lion? The lion and the mouse are on opposite sides of the animal circle, meaning each behaviour creates the other. So if someone is being a mouse – acting withdrawn or unsure – they are inviting you to be a lion; confident, reassuring and supportive. This can help you to ultimately move towards cooperation (the monkey).
MOUSE: The follower
A BAD MOUSE IS avoidant, weak and hesitant. They try to dodge confrontation and may appear uncertain and lacking in confidence.
A GOOD MOUSE IS humble, patient, pensive and treats others with respect. Their attitude is, ‘I’m listening and observing. I’ll chip in when I’m ready.’
When should you be a mouse? Many people think this is a weak position to be in, but it can actually be incredibly powerful. If you’re interacting with someone who is communicating as a lion – for example, your boss or parent – use the opportunity to sit back, listen and absorb information. This will mean that when you do speak, you’ll know what to say so it’ll land better. Staying quiet can be really skilful.
MONKEY: The co-operator
A BAD MONKEY IS the sort of person who blurs the boundaries of relationships; they’re over-familiar and can seem clingy. This could be someone who is overly intimate with colleagues, or a parent who treats their child like their friend. A GOOD MONKEY IS warm and affectionate. They seek to co-operate through support and encouragement. When should you be a monkey? The great thing about monkey behaviour is it encourages other people to communicate as monkeys, too. When used alongside the good lion, good monkeys are excellent in parent-child conversations, as they are based around teamwork rather than barking demands.
T-REX: The arguer
A BAD T-REX IS aggressive and intimidating, seeking to control others through fear. They may be verbally insulting, attacking or sarcastic.
A GOOD T-REX IS frank, forthright, critical and direct. They can sometimes appear blunt, but it is often honest and never personal or purposefully hurtful.
When should you be a t-rex? With any kind of argument or conflict, for example with your romantic partner, you’ll probably become a t-rex at some point – and there’s nothing wrong with this. Addressing conflict is important for building trust and intimacy long-term. Ensure you remain focused on your goal, and have a bottom line. It’s good to admit your emotions – like ‘I feel hurt’ – but not if these emotions translate into shouting and slamming doors.