DOS AND DON’TS FROM THE DIVORCE DOULAS
Do try to separate as a couple ‘Don’t make a lawyer your first port of call,’ says Kate Daly. ‘Search for a couples’ divorce service or mediation first. The No-fault Divorce Bill is passing through parliament soon, which will mean that the process will no longer have to be one person filing for divorce and blaming the other for the breakdown of the marriage. Couples who split amicably get much better – and often less financially-crippling – results.’
Don’t focus on the money ‘If you have kids, this will help you put them first and make them the priority,’ says Daly. ‘Consider seeing a child therapist who will help provide age-appropriate ways to handle their questions. And instead of thinking what you want from a split in terms of money or assets, think about how you want your new family life to be and work out the financial arrangements around that.’
Do set up a different email address for the separation ‘It will keep everything confidential and ensures that you can check emails, which may be distressing, at times that suit you, for example, when you have someone with you to support you,’ says Laura Rosefield. ‘Don’t open emails from your ex-partner’s lawyer on a Friday night as this is a tactic sometimes used to cause maximum upset. Keep a diary of anything relevant to the separation, the children and the finances.’
Don’t forget the four Fs ‘When communicating with your ex or their lawyers you should be Focused (as brief as possible), Factual (no emotive language, just the facts), Fair (be reasonable) and Firm (place boundaries and be assertive not aggressive),’ says Rosefield. ‘This is very difficult to do by yourself when you’re starting off because the emotional anxiety is so high but it makes all the difference.’