Show burnout the door

‘chronic workplace stress’, has this happened? According to Professor Josh Cohen, psychoanalyst and author of Not Working: Why We Have To Stop (Granta), while the conditions that contributed to said stress (threadbare teams, heavy workloads, presenteeism) remained the same, the ability to deal with them diminished, thanks to the blurring of the home/work boundaries. ‘Our pre-covid lifestyle may have been more frenetic,’ he explains, ‘but we had physical distance between our domestic and working lives. Now, our most intimate relationships are operating right alongside our more public ones.’

According to the Burnout Britain report, the mass move to home-working has led to a breakdown of our work/life balance. While you were clocking up an estimated 28 extra work hours a month, the time you saved by not travelling to your job went on cooking lunch, unloading the dishwasher and doing yet another load of washing – tasks which, as a woman, probably fell to you (women in the UK provide 74% of childcare and spend, on average, 26 hours a week doing unpaid domestic labour, while men do an average of 16.2*).

And yet, to think of burnout purely in the context of workload – both domestic and professional – is to misunderstand it, argues Professor Amy O’hana, counsellor and author of Beyond Burnout. ‘It’s true that what differentiates burnout from other mental and emotional symptoms is vocation,’ she explains. ‘That doesn’t necessarily mean your career or job, but your wider sense of connection with work, productivity and meaning. My theory is that burnout comes from feeling disconnected.’

This disconnection, she explains, can take on many forms; you might be feeling disconnected from your colleagues, missing the ‘how was your weekend?’ small talk you used to take for granted, or perhaps you’re feeling disconnected from the work, with digital meetings only delivering a fraction of the energy and enthusiasm that the IRL kind used to provide. ‘The more disconnected you feel from the things that matter to you, the more burnt out you will be,’ says Professor O’hana.

TIRED OR BURNT OUT?

While some companies are extending home-working indefinitely, others are asking whether a return to the office might be better. Either way, how do you identify the signs of burnout? What separates burnout from stress and exhaustion is the emotional turmoil it causes. Professor Cohen notes the ‘inner agitation’ it leaves, and your mood is a good barometer: ‘If an angry tone comes to your mind, the chances are you’re burnt out rather than just tired.’

If you suspect you’re experiencing burnout, you should talk to HR or your manager, but practical strategies may also be useful in dealing with that mental clutter – you know, the stuff you meant to get done today that’s now on tomorrow’s to-do list. One such technique is called Zorro circles (yes, inspired by the fictional swashbuckler who learned to fight in a small oval before progressing to bigger, harder feats). Start by writing down everything on your mind, work responsibility or other worry, then organise the list into two categories: things you can control and things you can’t. For the former, pick the three to five most important items to tackle first – then tackle them. For the latter, ignore: surrendering the things you can’t control will free up headspace for the things you can.

Mind still wired while sinking into the sofa come evening? Professor Cohen suggests acknowledging that internal agitation. ‘Instead of becoming its servant,’ he explains, ‘begin to tune it out. Say: “I understand there is something urgent that you feel I need to do – but this moment is more important.” It’s about training yourself to recognise the claim of your own tiredness and your own commitment to yourself.’ Whatever your working set-up looks like, consider this your timely reminder to lean on what brings you joy, relaxation and calm.

BE AWARE

‘Early signs include fatigue, irritability, brain fog, sleepless nights, anxiety and physiological changes such as higher blood pressure or gaining weight,’ says neuroscientist and business psychologist Dr Lynda Shaw.

NOURISH YOURSELF ‘View food both as energy and a mood-booster,’ advises Dr Alka Patel, a GP who has experienced burnout herself. Fruit and veg inhibit the enzyme monoamine oxidase, resulting in increased levels of the feelgood hormones serotonin and dopamine. ‘Sesame, sunflower and pumpkin seeds can also help, as they contain tryptophan, the building block of serotonin,’ she adds.

TAKE A BREAK

Regular breaks are important, but how often do you actually take one? ‘Intersperse work tasks with one minute of meditation or journalling, or going for a walk,’ says Dr Patel. The rejuvenating effects of the latter have been shown to last two hours and, according to Dr Patel, will only be amplified if you leave your phone at home: ‘Try a 15-minute daily tech break when you disconnect.’

START AN EOP HABIT

‘Take a few minutes at the end of the working day to get organised for tomorrow,’ advises Dr Shaw. ‘Make lists so you can prioritise jobs – and leave them on the page until tomorrow. That will give you closure so you can spend the evening properly resting.’

SWITCH OFF FROM WORK THOUGHTS

In a world where technology has us switched on 24/7, the key to switching off is to do things that fully engage your attention, such as creative activities, getting out in nature, exercise, or catching up with a friend,’ says Selina Barker, life design and career change coach and author of Burnt Out: The Exhausted Person’s Six-step Guide To Thriving In A Fast-paced World.

FIND YOUR PURPOSE ‘That’s the central, motivating aim of your life,’ says Dr Patel. ‘Your vocation may offer this, but what are the specific aspects of work that fire you up? Take time to think about your hopes, goals and dreams; are you neglecting something that’s truly important to you? This gives you an opportunity to slow down, rest and reflect.’

With mental health referrals among young people on the rise, we asked Dr Alex George, the government’s new mental health ambassador, and Philippa Perry, agony aunt, to share advice on how to support our teens

ypically, our teenage years mark our first taste of freedom, the opportunity to step out from the family nest and discover our paths and passions. Imagine, then, the restrictive feeling of having to go against every adolescent impulse: to spend time independently with friends, to take risks, to act without thinking of the consequences. In the past year, Generation Z have instead found themselves back in their childhood bedrooms, that first tantalising glimmer of freedom snatched away before they have even had a chance to grasp it.

During lockdown, a quarter of young people reported they felt unable to cope*. Their routines were disrupted and lives put on hold, with exams cancelled, rescheduled, then cancelled again. Meanwhile, university students have missed out on crucial formative bonding time with peers – not to mention face-to-face teaching.

‘We’re seeing stark rises in anxiety and eating disorders, and CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) referrals went up by 25% week-on-week when schools resumed after the first lockdown,’ says Dr Alex George, A&E doctor, government youth mental health ambassador and author of new book Live Well Every Day. ‘The Children and Young People’s Mental Health Coalition has estimated that 1.5m children in the UK either have a new or worsening mental health condition because of the pandemic. In 2017, the number of children’s mental health diagnoses was one in nine – it’s now one in six. That’s a very significant increase.’

Dr George has experienced first hand the devastating impact of this youth mental health crisis. In July 2020, he lost his younger brother, Llyr, 19, to suicide – and speaking about it leaves him visibly choked. ‘My world fell apart,’ he says. ‘I’m a doctor, we were very close, but not once did Llyr tell me how he was feeling. I think it’s been so tough for young people being in and out of lockdown, in and out of education. Llyr was so worried about his exams – he didn’t know what was happening. There’s so much uncertainty, and I know we’ve all faced that. But when you’re really worried about your next steps, and needing grades to go on to college, or to enter apprenticeships, it’s a really stressful time.’

In March, it was announced that Dr George’s campaigning efforts had led to the government approving £79m of funding for youth mental health, accelerating the roll out of Mental Health Support Teams for schools, boosting funding for CAMHS and providing an increase in capacity for Eating Disorder Services. He is doing it all in his late brother’s name. ‘Grief for me is like a little black box in my head. At the start, it was constantly open, but now I can close the box and put it on the shelf – even though I know it’s always there. This campaigning has given me a reason to keep going. Nothing will bring Llyr back, but I hope I can do him proud.’

Dr George says the first step in supporting your teens is recognising the signs they need help: ‘The big thing comes from knowing them as a person and noticing any changes in behaviour. They may be more agitated, being short and snappy, or more withdrawn, spending more time in their bedroom. They might lose interest in things they previously enjoyed, or be less hungry than usual. Those are all signs that something is going on inwardly.’

Mental and physical health, he explains, go hand in hand: ‘What is good for your body is often good for your mind. Exercise is not just about cardiovascular fitness. It’s blood flow to the brain, it’s the feeling of connectivity with nature as you’re experiencing the world around you. I think as parents, it’s also about encouraging young people to get outside, get moving and to have a good sleep routine and eat a balanced diet. These things all sound obvious, but they do make a difference.’

‘YOU NEED TO STAY FLEXIBLE AND, ABOVE ALL, BE SENSITIVE ’

Red’s agony aunt and author of The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad You Did), Philippa Perry, explains that when it comes to young people and mental health, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. ‘We’re talking about individual people. They need to be respected, listened to and taken seriously,’ she says. ‘Too often, we find it really hard to trust our teenagers because we are scared for them. A teenager develops so much more quickly than we do, meaning we’re always trying to catch up. You need to stay flexible and, above all, be sensitive. Sometimes, they don’t want to be grilled. Sometimes, they want to be left alone – and we as parents need to respect that. They are trying out being adults, so when they brainstorm ideas, never ever criticise. If you do that, you’ll only shut them down. Instead, try saying something like

“I’m concerned that you spend so much time on screen. I’d feel happier if you got exercise, but it’s your life.” Ask them if they want to come for a walk – and don’t nag if they say no.’

Giving young people the space to open up is crucial. Dr George suggests the ‘Ask Twice’ method. ‘If you say “How are you?” and they reply “Yeah, fine,” but your gut feeling says they’re not, I would suggest sitting down later at a time that feels appropriate and saying, “look, I know, you said you’re fine. But I feel that maybe there’s something up, so I just want to ask you again, how are things?” You can’t force anyone to talk, but it’s about giving an opportunity for open dialogue when they’re ready.’

‘You could also try implementing a traffic light system each day, with green being feeling great, amber so-so and red feeling really stressed or low. ‘Each member of the family can choose a colour and briefly explain their thoughts and feelings around it,’ he says. ‘If you do it every day, it becomes natural. It’s equally important for parents to open up to children as well, to set that example and not hide their own worries and feelings. It also allows young people to explore why they feel a certain way, which could help when it comes to finding a sense of purpose. Talk to them about what they’re good at, what they enjoy and what makes them happy as well as those more difficult feelings. I’m a big believer in writing everything down.’

‘Sometimes, I think it’s a good idea to have a family meeting,’ adds Perry. ‘This should start off by each person saying what they appreciate about the others, because we tend to concentrate on what we don’t like and faults. It could be something as banal as “I really appreciate the way you put your plate in the dishwasher. Thank you.” A huge amount of family conflict is caused by people making assumptions – so don’t assume, ask. For instance, you could say “when you left the room yesterday, you slammed the door, did the wind get the door? Or were you angry at me? And if you were angry, I’m really sorry if I did something wrong. What was it? How was I insensitive? Explain it to me.” So often, we blame each other because we don’t want to take responsibility ourselves. So make it about you, not them. When parents are overly critical, their children don’t confide in them and therefore they have no one to talk to. It’s much harder on Zoom to start talking with a peer group about how you feel about fancying people or periods or thinking you’re ugly, which means it’s never been more important to find a good family dynamic.’

Of course, not every young person will be comfortable speaking to their parents. ‘Some might prefer to talk to a teacher, or a GP,’ says Dr George. ‘This is why signposting to resources such as Young Minds, Calm, or Mentally Healthy Schools [a free website offering advice and practical resources for pupils’ mental health and wellbeing, which was set up by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge in partnership with the Anna Freud National Centre for Children and Families] is so important. There’s also Hub of Hope, a brilliant website for both parents and children, where you can put in your postcode, and it lists all the support services, NHS and otherwise, as well as charities that are available in that area and what they do. I believe that a lot of the awkwardness and stigma around mental health, much like sexual education, is just because young people aren’t used to speaking about it.’

However, says Perry, when you are trying to encourage conversations, never use the phrase ‘why don’t you?’: ‘Imagine you’re 15, you’re really depressed. You don’t want to talk to anyone, and somebody comes in and says, “Why don’t you phone the Samaritans?” It won’t go down well. I think our key problem is that, so often, we want to fix our kids – and if we want to fix them, we’re not accepting them where they are. We’re not saying it’s okay to be down. We’re implying that it’s somehow unacceptable.’

‘The only fixing I will possibly allow, if you have permission from your child, is a brainstorm,’ says Perry. ‘And you don’t do the brainstorming, they do. Ask them, “Okay, what do you think you can do?’’ If they say, “Nothing,” you reply, “Well, yes, that might be right, actually. This is a terrible situation. But I accept you and I’m here for you.” Observe as a parent where you are, and remind yourself that the world isn’t perfect and that it’s impossible for your kids to be deliriously happy all the time. We’re all different and we all need our feelings validated where they are right now.’

‘GIVING YOUNG PEOPLE THE SPACE TO OPEN UP IS CRUCIAL’

Live Well Every Day: Your Plan For A Happy Body And Mind (Aster, £18.99) by

Dr Alex George is out 13th May 2021. Also available as audiobook and ebook