Ask Philippa
QA reader wants to change her mindset to enjoy sex more. Reacquaint yourself with your own body, says psychotherapist and Red’s agony aunt, Philippa Perry
Q My husband, who I’ve been with for 25 years, has a high libido – and I have zero. He is like a teenager saying how much he fancies me – his body responds even if he touches me, so there’s no real affection; it’s all about sex. He also talks about sex a lot and I guess it makes me feel uncomfortable – his family were very open about it but mine were not. We love each other and are trying to be more open and talk, but it seems that our mismatched sex drive has been an issue between us for years. I have no desire for sex, and feel very little physically during the act. I had a traumatic delivery with my son and have no sensation inside, and can only stimulate myself on the outside. So I find the whole thing really tedious. How can I change my mindset and start to enjoy it more? He has also put on weight and doesn’t really look after himself, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him this.
A The thing that stands out for me here is when you say: ‘there’s no real affection; it’s all about sex.’ I’m puzzled as to why his arousal makes the sex worth less? Do you need to hear some non-sexualised declarations of love to make you feel safer? This probably needs discussing between you, which can be difficult because often one person in a marriage cannot open up if they feel rejected, and the other cannot be sexual if the other person doesn’t open up. But this can be talked through, too.
Your husband, though, still sounds like he is a very sexual person. I wonder if you could change your mindset to see this as a special thing about him rather than a disadvantage? Imagine if you stopped him from pursuing other passions, for example never watching another film with him again, and not allowing him to go to the cinema with anyone else either.
When we’ve been married to someone for a long time it is normal not to be as lustful towards each other as you once might have been, but what most couples do is decide to be sexual, rather than wait for the desire to land – your husband is lucky that he doesn’t have this hurdle to get over and, with a bit of work on yourself, you might be keener on deciding to be sexual than you are now.
When we’ve got out of the habit of sex, desire will dwindle. A way back is to start masturbating and actively thinking about what turns you on. It won’t happen automatically; it will take a bit of work on your part.
Sometimes talking about talking about sex is the first step. And, then, when you’ve talked to your husband about talking about sex, you can approach talking about what turns you on, and what activities you can do together to make you want sex more.
It is totally normal to only enjoy external stimulation. Include more of this in your sex life. You can touch yourself externally during sex, too. If you don’t want to put the effort in to rediscovering your own sexuality, then that would be sad for your husband, for you and for your relationship.
Your instinct about not telling him he’s put on weight is right. Criticism about personal appearance is hurtful and we all change as we get older.
Of course, your body is your own and it is important not to be sexually used in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. However, it is a shame not to be enjoying sex, and it may be your difficult birthing experience or perhaps a repressive background that might be getting in the way. Exploring and rediscovering your own body is a first step through such problems. A useful tool to help with this is the book How To Have Feminist Sex (Particular Books) by Flo Perry.