WHEN CANCER AFFECTS YOU (OR YOUR LOVED ONES)…
Two great sources of information are consultant breast cancer surgeon Dr Liz O’riordan and academic and GP Professor Trisha Greenhalgh, who together authored The Complete Guide To Breast Cancer. Both write from a unique perspective: they’re not only outstanding doctors, but they’ve also experienced breast cancer first-hand. When talking about sharing the news with kids, they acknowledge that how to do it is often the hardest part, as it’s a matter of pitching it right, depending on the age (and maturity) of the child.
THE INSIGHTS I TOOK AWAY FROM THEIR BOOK INCLUDE:
• You may not want to tell your kids, but consider that they have amazing intuition and will frequently pick up that something is going on.
• Remember that, as their parent, you naturally know how best to talk to them. There is immense power in that.
• Do a little prep. Figure out the language you might use to describe surgery or chemo. It’s easier to have something prepared in your mind than to try to navigate it in the moment. Consider asking friends and family to use similar language for consistency. • Some children find ‘acting out’ or ‘drawing’ their thoughts and questions easier than talking them through.
• Tell the school, so they’re prepped to offer support from their end.
• Keep disruption to family life as minimal as possible (although this is especially tricky with chemo). Ensure that the kids know it’s temporary, and try to focus on some positives, such as getting more takeaways because everyone is too weary to cook. If they’re off for sleepovers or playdates, make sure everyone involved is aware of exactly what your child does or doesn’t know. Avoid confusion.
Not so long ago I recorded an episode of my podcast, Honestly, with two friends who were living with cancer. BBC presenter Deborah James has stage four bowel cancer, which is treatable but not curable. She has two young children and chose not to tell them straight away. She says: ‘I was hoping that I would never get to the whole “you have advanced cancer” stage. They were seven and nine at the time and they didn’t need to know the word “cancer”. So we told them I was having an operation, but it was only after that we actually knew how serious it was.’
Although nobody wants to find themselves talking to their kids about cancer, children are remarkably resilient when they have to be. Blogger Audrey Allan backed this up in her post on my blog, Mother Of All Lists; she was blown away by how quickly her kids accepted the news and were able to offer her support in the form of cuddles and giggles.
Also on the podcast was Saima Thompson, who was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer aged 29. As well as founding the Masala Wala Café in south London, she also set up a support group for BAME cancer sufferers. Devastatingly, she died in June 2020. Not only is my life better for having known Saima, but one bit of her wisdom from that podcast will stay with me: ‘My goal is ultimately to spend as much time with family and friends, pursue my passions and live life to the fullest. I want to show the world that a terminal diagnosis does not limit you to a “poor cancer patient” role.’
It is only in the face of death and illness that we’re blessed with the ability to see what’s really important. Of all the questions, this is the one we truly want the answer to, isn’t it?