Uncover your blueprint
Take the first step to freeing yourself up to more choice by writing your sexual blueprint as if it was a story. Use spider diagrams, mind maps or create an image of any sort, if that’s more your creative bag. Don’t censor yourself. This is an inquiry, not a cross-examination! Questions to ask yourself include:
• If your sexuality was the main character, what are its struggles, triumphs and disasters? How did this ‘character’ emerge, grow, develop? In particular, include the messages you absorbed growing up that have influenced how you think about sex today, and the initial experiences that helped shape your relationship to sex, desire, your body and the erotic.
• If you have any history of sexual abuse or trauma, consider how this has impacted your relationship with sex, eroticism and your body.
• If it feels safe and helpful to do so, think through all the good, bad and ugly sexual encounters you have had – including your fantasies or hidden longings – and get as detailed as you can. Maybe there are role plays or sex toys you’d love to try. Perhaps you fantasise about group sex, anal sex, swinging or sex clubs…
• What are your current beliefs about sex? Particularly around what you are or are not allowed to think/do/seek/ want/reject/explore? Do you regard sex as a means of connection, or an expression of connection? Both can be valid approaches, and it can change with different people.
• Have you ever had sex, or continued with sex, just because you thought you should? What is the thing you would never tell anyone about you and sex? What would you want them very much to know?
• What about times when guilt and/or shame got in the way of you exploring your sexuality? What, at that time, were the messages your mind repeated and where do you think they originated from?
• What are your thoughts on less common lifestyle choices like polyamory or conscious non-monogamy? Perhaps that’s something you’ve always liked the sound of but felt afraid to admit – to others or even yourself.
• Concentrate specifically on any obvious judgements that come up, either about yourself or other people. Who are you now, sexually, and do you feel you have full choice?
Only once you get clear on your blueprint can you begin to trace over it with new ideas. Now that you have mapped out your blueprint, examine what aspects feel nourishing and what feel limiting. For example, when I began that first same-sex relationship, I realised I had some serious work to do on the homophobia I had absorbed growing up and needed to trace over that aspect of my blueprint fast!
Ask yourself which aspects of your blueprint you would keep. What could you add or take away, to reflect who you are right now? I long ago dropped my blueprint ideas that sex shouldn’t be spoken about to friends or that it’s unfeminine to express desire. The only original idea that I’ve reaffirmed, having questioned it, is my belief in sex as a powerful connection that should be treated with care and respect.
Finally, consider sharing part or all of your blueprint with your partner(s). You might even ask them to explore and share theirs, too. Understanding where you both come from sexually could unlock doors into some incredible conversations and boost your intimacy tenfold. After all, how can we move beyond the blueprint if we don’t first start talking about it?