10 LABELS TO WEAR (AND LAUGH AT)

1 Almost happy For anyone less than physically perfect, sexually satisfied, emotionally sound and financially secure. Provocative suggestion: More and better are always possible.

2 Everything in order For perfectionists. The over-tidy. Provocative suggestion: Use a spirit level weekly to make sure all the pictures on your walls are straight.

3 Adulterror For cheats, deceivers and liars. Provocative suggestion: Enjoy! Sex is best when it’s illicit.

4 i For egotists, narcissists and other self-centred people. Provocative suggestion: Spend more time on social media keeping everyone up-to-date with your life.

5 Starting tomorrow For procrastinators. Anyone thinking of changing their behaviour after reading this. Provocative suggestion: Never underestimate the power of tomorrow!

6 Screen tapper For anyone chronically fixated on their phone. Provocative suggestion: Swipe to make this page disappear.

7 Always late For the intentionally late, the incompetently late and the unconsciously late. Provocative suggestion: Take it easy – slow down. What’s the rush?

8 Moaner For grumblers, nitpickers, fault-finders, whiners, whingers and other complainers. Provocative suggestion: Spend an hour a day writing bad reviews to help service providers raise standards.

9 What if? For people who let fear thwart them from leading a full life. Provocative suggestion: Read the papers, watch TV or go online to prove to yourself just how dangerous the world really is.

10 I’m right For those who have made up their minds and prefer not to be confused by facts. Parents. Provocative suggestion: When you turn out to be right, remind everyone by saying, ‘I told you so.’