Endgame

Retro Gamer - - CONTENTS -

“Crooked Yoshi stole my crown. He had ZERO rac­ing abil­ity. SAD.” Tweets an an­gry mush­room

If you ever want a spot of fam­ily-friendly rac­ing fun, a Mario Kart game is usu­ally a great choice. Be­tween the charm­ing cast of char­ac­ters and chaotic item sys­tem that gives ev­ery­one a chance to win, it’s a party hit. But in sin­gle-player mode, with no­body to trash talk and vi­cious rub­ber-band­ing AI, things aren’t al­ways so fun. Let’s see if Toad can over­come all that ad­ver­sity to claim vic­tory As bal­loons rain from the sky, Toad is not in a tremen­dously happy state. The mood is cel­e­bra­tory at Peach’s cas­tle, but the smaller than av­er­age (but not freak­ishly small) racer won’t get to claim the first place tro­phy he re­ally wanted. The mush­room-headed racer’s down­fall came when a stray light­ning bolt struck him, caus­ing him to fall be­hind the pack. “If only it hadn’t been stormy, I’d be much hap­pier now,” he thinks to him­self as he drives to the podium. Still, at least he’s claim­ing his tro­phy in front of the big­gest ever Mario Kart crowd. That’s not true, of course – there’s no­body there. But when Toad feels bad about him­self he uses counter-fac­tual think­ing as a cop­ing mech­a­nism. It wasn’t the most im­pres­sive race he’d ever run, but Toad clearly no longer shares that opin­ion. With a tri­umphant cry of, “I’m the best,” he cel­e­brates his third place fin­ish as if he’s clutch­ing gold, bask­ing in the wholly imag­ined ad­mi­ra­tion of the spec­ta­tors and his fel­low rac­ers. Within hours, Toad is an­grily tweet­ing that the “fake news me­dia” don’t un­der­stand rac­ing re­sults, and that he had in fact won a record-break­ing vic­tory. These delu­sional rants seem to bring him some mea­sure of com­fort, but to the rest of the world Toad just looks like a dick.

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